Dear Lisa, Why Didn’t He Ask Me Out?
Dear Lisa,
Recently, I chatted with a really nice man and it seemed to be going great but nothing ended up happening. Is it possible that I gave him signs that I was somehow not interested when I really was? He did ask me if I got lonely and I said no. I didn’t want him thinking I was needy and couldn’t live my life without a man. Any advice why he seemed so keen and why it fizzled? Dee
Dee,
I know how frustrating situations like this can be. There are 2 things going on here.
#1, A man can have a great time with you but still not ask you out if you don’t fit his idea of the woman he thinks he wants to be with. Not fair but true.
#2, Men practically have to be hit over the head with signs you’re interested in him. When he asked if you were lonely, a good answer would have been something like this…
“I’m never lonely when I’m on a fun date with a great guy like you.”
It’s pretty bold but sometimes that’s what you have to do to get a man’s attention that let’s him know you are interested in a date with him.
Get out there on a regular basis and flirt, flirt and flirt some more with men. Also pay attention to what they are saying to you.
I know it can sound cryptic like his question was to you. And it can feel like you need a code book to figure it all out.
Here’s a tip for you… Most men won’t put themselves in a position of being rejected by you. Instead he will test the waters with leading questions to see if it’s safe to take what is happening any further.
He may have taken your No, I’m not lonely answer to mean…you are fine and don’t need a man in your life right now.
If he cooled off after your answer to his question, he perceived you weren’t interested and that’s why everything suddenly fizzled between the two of you.
Dear Lisa,
I get letters from men who seem so interested in getting to know me. We are sharing emails back and forth then suddenly they disappear and communication just ends. What is going on here? Wanda
Hi Wanda,
The plain and simple truth is… he’s probably talking to a lot of women at the same time he’s talking with you.
He may have gone on a date with someone he liked and wanted to pursue so that’s why he stopped his communication with you.
It’s smart to not get emotionally invested in a man you are either emailing or spending time with on the phone.
In the future, you might want to consider meeting a man as soon as you can after communication starts. The longer the email and phone process are between the two of you, the more likely he is to disappear.
And…you never know but sometimes, a man shows up again when it doesn’t work out with the other woman. If he does and you’re still interested…meet him quickly so he doesn’t have enough time to disappear again with someone else.
Dear Lisa,
I met this man who is really nice but he doesn’t like to eat in restaurants. He thinks people are staring at him. We’ve had a couple of dates and every time we go out, he sits and drinks water or a glass of wine while I eat. It feels so awkward. I really like him but dining out is so important to me. What do I do? Ruthie
Ruthie,
If you like him enough to put up with this quirk as long as the relationship lasts…then continue dating him and just get comfortable with being the only one eating at the table.
But if dining out is as important to you as you say it is, even though he is nice, it might be wise to find a man who doesn’t have this Deal Breaker quality. It’s always nice to have someone in your life who can share the interests and activities that are most important to you.
Dear Lisa,
What is with the form letters men seem to send? It’s so obvious he knows nothing about me since the letter is all about him. It feels like he’s trying to sell himself to the highest bidder. Yuck! Mary Ellen
Mary Ellen,
Men play the statistics game. One man told me he sent out 100 of these letters and got responses from 3 women. You see, men take a pounding online from women.
We expect them to pursue us and they do… but they are rejected over and over again by women on dating sites! So what happens is they give up being the nice guy who sends a personal note.
Out of sheer frustration they start sending a Dating Resume about their life – and they send it to a lot of women – hoping someone will raise their hand and say, “I’m interested!”
These men want a relationship and even though they are doing it in a way that is a total turnoff to women, the guy that sends out the Dating Resume might be worth answering if a relationship is what you’re looking for too!
Believing in You!
P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50
#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon
Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here
#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group
It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here
#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program
I would love to learn more about your dating journey, understand where you might be stuck, and give you a personalized step-by-step blueprint to attract the right man. And maybe even talk about how we can work together.
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Lisa, I think overall your advice is excellent!
However, regarding your reply to Dee, I think that responding with “I’m never lonely when I’m on a fun date with a great guy like you” is showing far too much interest and implicitly telling him what to do — i.e., ask her out.
I also think that his question may be a way of finding out if she is “lonely” enough to engage in intimate relations with him straight away.
Another possibility is that he is extremely needy (“lonely”) and would drive her crazy with his constant demands on her time!
When an emotionally mature man with sufficient self-esteem wants someone, he goes for it and doesn’t need encouragement. This guy sounds like a complete time-waster and Dee should actually be grateful that he disappeared.
Another possibility with Dee’s encounter with this guy (not knowing the context of their meeting) is that he is in a relationship already. Lotsa guys will flirt or chat even if “taken”. I’ve learned the hard way that until you are directly asked out, it means absolutely nothing. The “lonely” comment may just have been conversation out of politeness.
That’s a very strong possibility, Noquay! You are so right … until they ask us out, it’s just a fantasy relationship. We can’t tell if there’s truly a mutual spark or connection until we meet in person. Unfortunately, some women tend to get all excited about these cyber non-relationships that sometimes lead nowhere for whatever reason.
Also, some men are so used to utilizing the Internet to gain information about various topics that they think nothing of asking strange questions. They see every encounter online as a chance to find out some “data”. Or, relating to your comment, he could have wondered if she was lonely enough to get involved with a man who was already taken.