Are You Training Men NOT To Help You?
Last week, I was on a plane heading to California.
I was struggling trying to lift my bag into the overhead compartment.
A man standing behind me said, “Can I help you with that?”
I looked at him, smiled with relief and gladly said YES!
I was so grateful he came along because I was beginning to worry I might drop my overfilled suitcase on the head of the lady sitting right below the overhead bin.
This kind man took my suitcase and lifted it up as if it was light as a feather.
I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated his help.
(I’m sure that lady was grateful to him as well because she’d been looking at me with fear in her eyes and her hands over her head before this man had stepped up)
At this point of the story, magic happened as it always does when you thank and appreciate a man.
His whole body puffed up with pride and joy and I truly believe if there’d been room in that aisle, he’d have strutted his stuff down to his seat in the way only men can do.
And its all because a woman allowed him to help her and expressed gratitude for what he’d done.
Before working with me, many of my clients with successful careers would have told this kind man, “No thank you, I can do it myself.”
And I guarantee that man’s whole body would have caved in from being pushed away from something he was wired to do and that is to help you.
Learning to balance the fine line of doing it all yourself and allowing someone to help you is one of the biggest problems my clients in high-powered positions face.
Why? Because they’re calling the shots all day long and they think they’ll look weak if they let a man help them.
The problem is, when you don’t let a man help you you’re training him to do less for you and you’re loosing his co-operation.
And a man’s co-operation is something you need and want especially in a relationship.
When I work with clients in a VIP experience, I always ask them to think about how they can make space in their lives to need a man.
(Want to know more about how a VIP Experience can help you find love with the perfect man in the second half of your life? Apply for a Dare to Live Your Dreams Complimentary Session with me here.
Men are wired to fix for you and to keep you safe, protected and provided for.
This makes men feel needed.
If there is one takeaway from today’s blog, I want you to really get, it’s that men need to feel needed.
If a man doesn’t feel needed, he moves on.
When I share this concept with my professional alpha clients they get silent because they can’t imagine what this would feel like.
For so long they’ve had to do everything for themselves.
They tell me they’re tired of doing it all alone and they’d love to have a partner who could do some of the heavy lifting both physically and emotionally.
In the past, many of them had been married to Beta males who expected these women to make all the decisions in their relationship.
Over time, this exhausted them and they began dreaming of the Alpha Male who would come into their life and just take over.
Not as easy as it seems.
To make room for an Alpha Male to come into your life, you have to be willing to let men help you.
It means allowing yourself to receive from men.
That means making space in your life for a man to feel needed by you in some way.
So here’s your homework….
- Give some thought as to why you would need a man in your life…not just why you want him.
- An easy way to learn to receive is to start asking men for their help on a daily basis whether its opening the door for you or picking up something you dropped
- Thank and appreciate men when they help you and watch their body language shift before your eyes.
I want to share this quick note with you and its similar to many I’ve gotten from men who just want to make you happy.
Thank you Lisa for giving women several important guideposts in breaching the gulf between women and men. It is so refreshing to see a relationship expert who has an understanding of what men want and need, and writes it in a direct and understandable way that women can use. I find your blogs very helpful to me, and very sound advice to those of us trying to navigate the “mature” dating scene. John, Indiana
Would love to hear what your thoughts.
Until next time~
Believing in You!
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Men are really pretty simple. They just want to be respected and needed. I have seen too many women emasculate a man in front of others, then they wonder why they can’t find a good man. I believe respect goes both ways. What are we really teaching our daughters at these “women’s rights” marches?
Yes I have a very helpful boyfriend. I have noticed he is getting less helpful. But is that because he has less need to impress me?
I do not want to depend too much on him in case the relationship end?
So why should this be the fault of the woman? are men so stupid?
Make sure Maureen to always make him your hero so he wants to step up and help you. Are you taking on more and more? If so, you’re training him to do less. The secret is to continue making him your hero and allowing yourself to receive when he gives. Here’s a good analogy to think about…ever give a gift that someone rejected? We do this to men all the time when we don’t allow ourselves to let men do for us. Keep me posted on how its going. Big hugs~
Hi Lisa
Last night I went on a second date with a very nice man I recently met on POF I was comfortable enough to let him in my house. We were looking for a bottle open when I remembered that the draw was stuck and I couldn’t open it. I told him I needed some help and two minutes later it was open and we were happily drinking our drinks . He also held the car door open for me and helped me with my coat. And oh by the way he is 5’8″ As you know I told you I would never go out with any man shorter than 5’9 and felt that was compromising. Lisa I couldn’t stop thinking of you and all I learned from you on the entire date. From going on POF, to learning how to make a man feel needed to saying oh why not , 5’8″ isn’t that short. He is definitely one of the nicest men I have dated and we will be seeing each other again. Oh and all this while I was on hiatus from dating, have been contacting almost no men and responding judiciously if contacted. He contacted me with a very thoughtful note so I responded.
Lisa really knows her stuff. 🙂 Miss you and think of you often Laurie
Loved hearing your story Laurie. Men LOVE LOVE LOVE helping you! Good for you for allowing him to help and for dating him even though he is 5’8. As you know, how you feel around him not qualities like height are what might make him the perfect fit for you. So good hearing from you Laurie. Big hugs and love to you!!!!! P.S. Glad to hear you’re doing well and using everything from our group.
Hi Lisa,
Many times I’ve heard and read the comment that men want to “keep you safe, protected, and provided for,” but my experience has not played out in that way in my significant /marital relationships. I was with a man from when I was 28 until 43 who didn’t ever seem to want to help me, though seemed to always need my help. And then, 5 years ago, at 49 I married a man, who’d previously been married for 31 years, who abandoned me after 4 years though I was very ill with rheumatoid arthritis and couldn’t do much physically. He said that I’d just wanted someone to take care of me and that I had no value in our relationship because I was no longer earning a wage. (He also had a habit of sexting former girlfriends.)
So…I’m struggling a bit in believing that the majority of men do want to be our heroes. My life hasn’t played out that way, and I’m feeling rather “gun-shy” about really getting back out there again. It’s been a year since he left, I’m physically much, much better, and I have posted my profile on both Match and OurTime, but don’t see very men in my area with profiles on the sites. I’m quite discouraged about the entire process!
I’d love to have my knight come riding in on his trusted steed. What do I need to do? Are there actually “dozens” of quality 50+ year-old men around? Where are they hiding? I’m 54…this is getting serious!
P.S. I live in rural Northern Alberta, almost 30 miles from a town of 60,000. The median age of men is 29 and the oil-and-gas industry dominates the employment picture with jobs “out in the field.”
Hi Tammy…It sounds like you are attracting men who are still little boys and want their mama to take care of them. You want to attract men who are emotionally healthy and are men. These are the one’s who will be your knight in shining armor. Its great that you are only 30 miles from a town of 60,000. Make sure when you put your profile on a dating site that you check off boxes that say you’re open to meeting men 45 miles away. This should open up a door to a whole new group of men. Good luck! Big hugs~