Dear Lisa, The Real Reason A Man Dumps You After The Second Date
Dear Lisa,
I have been seeing a man for almost 3 months. He is very nice, treats me good, and would do anything for me. Basically what I am looking for. My problem is I am not all that attracted to him. Looks wise, he is not my type at all. I know looks aren’t everything but it sure does help. I am very confused as to what to do. I like him but don’t think I will fall in love with him. I am 51 so I know what I want in a man. It’s just finding the whole package. Any advice? Dorothy
Dorothy,
The answer depends on what your priorities are in the men you want. Is the fact that he doesn’t look like your usual type holding you back from getting close to a man who is good to you? Another question to ask yourself is…How did my type serve me in the past?
Being treated well lasts a lifetime. Looks fade as we age. If you’re having fun and enjoying his company, it might be worth trying to find the cuteness in him. If you can’t, then let him go so he can find someone who will appreciate him as the whole package he is.
Dear Lisa,
Last week a retired man found me on Match.com. We met. He was charming. He then insisted on seeing me 2 days later. We made love. It was wonderful. He then insisted on seeing me 2 days later again and the sex was wonderful. The next morning, he sent me a message telling me he could not continue with this relationship because it’s moving too fast. Lisa what did I do wrong? And how do I get him back?? My heart is broken. Jackie
Jackie,
I’m sorry you fell for this man so hard and so quickly. This often happens when you sleep with a man before you really get to know him. Your heart ends up getting attached based on this physical connection with a man you don’t even know yet.
Every woman needs to have boundaries in her mind when it comes to sex and when she will choose to sleep with a man. What this man did was literally charm the pants off you for sex. Men don’t bond. It’s very easy for them to walk away and that’s why you want to get to know a man before you end up in bed with him.
I encourage you to go back on Match or another dating site and find a man who will honor you and treat you like the treasure you are.
Dear Lisa,
I am 53 years old and divorced. I went on Match about 8 months go. In the beginning there were some emails and I picked the men I was interested in. But after several emails they stopped writing because I am from China. As time goes by, I receive less email, and I am not interested in the men who write because of their education level and occupation. I also tried Our Time and Chemistry for a short time. It seems like the men I am interested in, are not interested in me. I want to give up now. What is your suggestion for me? Thank you. Joyce
Joyce,
Make sure you are posting good pictures of yourself that show you are of Asian descent so the fact you are from China isn’t a surprise.
“It seems like the men I am interested in, are not interested in me.” I hear this same line from both men and women. This happens because we get stuck in thinking we will only date a certain type. The problem is you are not necessarily your type’s type.
This is why you want to date different types of men. Maybe they won’t become your next husband, but they might make a great friend to hang out with.
Don’t give up. Take a break and recharge yourself doing the things you love. Get dating help while you’re recharging. I offer a great Fun Path to Mr. Right Program that gives you everything you need to know about men and dating including how to write a profile that helps sort out the guys you don’t want.
Dating is a numbers game and it takes going out with a lot of guys to find the one for you. Some will be great and some not so great. But I do promise, with every single one, you will learn more about yourself and the man you want to be with.
Until next time~
Believing in You!
P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50
#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon
Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here
#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group
It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here
#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program
I would love to learn more about your dating journey, understand where you might be stuck, and give you a personalized step-by-step blueprint to attract the right man. And maybe even talk about how we can work together.
If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.
#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.
Copyright© 2024 Lisa Copeland. All rights reserved.
I think the first steps involve serious self reflection. What is it that you actually want in a man, a relationship, and why? What failed in the past, why did it fail, what could you have done better, what did you have no power over? As a multiracial, uber educated, old chick in the mountain west, I would probably do better if I were from China. Some men will automatically hate my guts; but forsaking my heritage, dumbing down speech and lifestyle just to be accepted by some dude ain't happenin. I harp about this ad nauseum: be the person you want to date. If you want someone well dressed, classy, fit, YOU must also be these things. No shortcuts, no being given the benefit of the doubt. On line is a crap shoot; folks are there for many reasons which may or may not include looking for a real rship. We womyn tend to bond too soon, yep, have sex too soon, expect too much too soon. People unfold over time, a lot of time. Lisa is right, probably 99.9% of on line dates fail to translate into a relationship. People flake. People lie. Us older chix have that "running out of time" mindset hanging over our heads, making the whole process even more stressful. If you have really good self awareness, really understand your dating past, I do not feel one should in any way try and force oneself to continue with a man you are not attracted to; when I say attracted, that also goes for lifestyle, values, as well. Our looks fade as we age, his do too; so if you're not feeling it now, tis not likely to improve with time, whereas values tend to be constant. If his values clash with yours, at 50+, that ain't gonna change. Give him a few dates, then move on. Sticking with someone who isn't working out, for any reason, is unfair to either party, creates hurt and resentment. No matter if we date IRL or on line, we will be approached by the "wrong" men, a fact of life. Some men do not read profiles, may lack self awareness, may not care, are desperate, looking for attention, and thus approach anyone and everyone. Who you are may be at odds with the demographics/socioeconomics of your region. I get hit on by many "wrong" men in terms of values, lifestyle, not because I do squat to attract them, but because of who most of the older men in this region ARE. Who I am, my values, are totally irrelevant to that. Dating is a process of weeding out. I really like Rori Rayes concept of "circular dating", flirt, talk to many men, at different levels, sleep with none of them, do not emotionally attach, until you find one that fits, if he doesn't work out, doesn't want to commit, get back into dating pronto. Talking to the dude at the coffeehouse is circular dating, talking to the guy in the checkout line at the grocery. The unattractive guys, the not your types, even the marrieds/attacheds, are great for sharpening your socialization/eye contact/ conversation skills and keeps one from getting too attached too soon. Dating should be fun, not an onerous chore.
Concerning the reply to Dorothy. Being treated well by a man is vital but so is feeling attracted to him. I am not saying that there has to be instant chemistry but at some point you have to strongly want to become physical with him. If it is not there after 3 months I think there is simply not enough attraction between the two of you and it would probably be better to call it a day. I would highly advise against staying in a relationship with a man if the attraction does not develop. It will lead to a relationship where you live as brother and sister and at 51 you are way too young for that. It is a simplistic reasoning to say that it's either a guy you are physically attracted to but who will treat you badly or the opposite. You can also be badly treated by a man you are not physically attracted to and be very well treated by a man you are attracted to.
Very true, Too
Most of us chix cannot respond sexually to a guy that we have no attraction for. Men are able to do this, apparently quite easily, women cannot. Looks and behavior are two separate entities.
And also, attraction has nothing to do with objective good or bad looks. It's a lot more subtle than that. I for one am rarely really attracted to the classic handsome man. For starters, I don't dig tall guys but prefer guys closer to my own height. And secondly, a man's voice and most of all his smell are extremely important for me. If the smell is wrong, nothing is possible, never mind if the guy has the hottest looks out there.
But there has to be that spark. That thing which makes your heart beat faster when you see him. If it is not there, something will always be missing.
Joyce
Follow Speeds advice from another post. When you go to your profile, go to the section of who has viewed you. These men have shown an interest from your photo, so they already know you are from China. Go and view these men’s profile. You can give them a wink, or make them a favorite. This tells the guy you are interested in his approach inf you. It’s how flirting online seems to work.
Give it a try, it can’t hurt.