it is so hard to be yourself online. i do so respect a man who knows how to be a man and they are rare. maybe they forgot but it’s not about them loving sports or NASCAR it’s about how they own their manhood and in turn bring out the woman in you. then you in turn own your role abd it’s naturally comforting and stimulating. but so many men and women have forgotten how that works and their are so many men who wait for you to tell them what you want or what to do and how to do it that i wonder if there are any men out there who know how to take the lead who are open. i don’t want a man to be like my girlfriend but when i date a guy he is constantly asking me what to do where to go..have they been so beat down they are afraid to take a step without having to check with someone first? show me you..that’s stimulating. stop being afraid to be who you really are. we can put on the dating face for only so long ..be real be true to who you are..even if it doesn’t get you sex..at least there will be no misunderstandings.
October 29, 2014 at 3:20 pm
Steve Kerner
Hello Lisa,
Nice post.
Your guest contributor seems to be a real guy, and not a feminine re-programmed version of man-hood. Kudos to him, and to you for posting his view.
In my opinion, women would do well realizing the sexes are absolutely different… and for very specific and real reasons – that neither most men nor women realize. Also, Speed is correct… too many conditions are placed on relationships (maybe the fault of the format of some dating services).
Relationships may not last too long when expectations are based on conditions. Folks should be… and let be, and enjoy their differences while being together for the day – or for a lifetime. There is much to learn from each other… when not limited by conditions.
October 29, 2014 at 12:48 pm
Bloomingdale 316
Hi Speed,
Thanks for your willingness to answer.
I found your reply very interesting.
I didn’t ask about your career, but thanks for sharing.
It appears you are looking for a nice easygoing girl who will basically say okay to whatever you say, want and do.
You speak of finding someone with similar life values. How would you suggest someone goes about putting life values in a profile.
Same question for ‘showing you are caring’ or however you phrased the fourth item.
Lisa, I really like the idea of hearing men’s point of view. Perhaps you could find a few more guys. Such as a 60 year old ish widower, and someone divorced after a long marriage, who are committed to finding a long term relationship with a woman whose intelligence and opinion they value.
Speed, I’m sure you are a nice guy. But I doubt you’d be interested in a 58 year old widow who has had, a retired from, a successful professional career. And I think that’s who and what alot of ladies in this group are.
As for me, I’d like to date casually until I find a guy to have a longer term exclusive relationship with. And when I get to that point, I’d be happy to sleep with them. But I’m not planning any bedtime adventure with a guy just a couple of dates into it, no matter how much he might want it. I think that means I’m not easy and I have standards.
My profile asks for a dynamic man who knows who he is and what he wants. I’m looking for a confident, intelligent man. I dint want to change him and would like the same in return. Is that a reasonable thing to ask for, or is that a turn off?
Thanks for reading and replying.
October 30, 2014 at 3:10 pm
Speed
I can’t see anything wrong with your profile. Your specs on the guy seem positive and open to me, and also reasonable. I also noticed on your other posts that you seemed both intelligent and diplomatic. You don’t need me to tell you that, because you already know it.
As to life values, I think this comes out in the metamessage of the entire profile and photos. The metamessage is far more important than a particular line or particular photo. I’ve already admitted that I usually skim profiles. However, when I do read one seriously I read metamessages like:
Jane
My passions are…X
I’m very involved in…X
Photos focused on X
Metamessage: I better darn well get into X, because it takes up a lot of Jane’s life. Jane has a tight schedule, so I have to beg and plead my way in.
Sally
I’m tired of meeting losers on the site. Please have yourself together when you contact me. Don’t be broke or an alcoholic or uneducated. Please send emails instead of winks.
Very nice attractive photos
Metamessage: Sally is little bit burnt out, maybe even depressed. Despite her good looks, buyer beware.
Mandy
I’m just loving another awesome day. It’s the kind of day that I take my dog out for a walk, have a margarita at the cafe or go bicycling. Won’t you join me?
Photos: Average
Metamessage: Mandy is living a great life and has room for another person in it. She’s upbeat, active and looking for a person who is the same.
Of the three women above (who are basically composites of women I’ve seen on Match.com), Mandy is the one I’m going to contact. Although, ironically, the Jane types are by far the most widespread profiles I see online. Also, huge number of Sallys. Mandys are somewhat rare.
I guess my main point is that, to me, the most important thing in a profile is the metamessage sent by the photos, text and their combination. If you make a profile, consider the metamessage and even ask someone (not a friend or family member, since they can never be impartial), about what metamessage they see.
As a side note, some of the commenters in this thread seem to think I’m some sort of tyrant seeking a domestic servant or something. Trust me: I have no desire to give orders to staff all day and then come home to try to do the same to a woman. Even if it were feasible (which it probably isn’t in 2014), it would just be too exhausting.
Anyway, you and most the woman on this board (even the ones that regularly castigate me) seem like good people and I’ve learned a lot. You just have keep up your positive energy and spirit and keep the forward motion going. As a Chinese monk wrote, “To the swimmer out in the ocean, the shoreline looks far away, but when he turns around, it is right behind him.”
October 29, 2014 at 11:11 am
Sherry Seiler
Hello Speed,
I believe in your original post, you did lead many of us to believe we could save time by just posting pictures. Thanks for clearing that up. As for your post on who you are and what you are looking for…
I used to love NASCAR until “The Intimidator” died. It was already becoming too similar to the “sweet smelling”, entitled Formula racing for my tastes anyway. I was also into the NFL back when Bun Philips proved he knew how to get the most out of a player and team by motivating them. I could in fact be “into” these types of things again if I were with someone who had an interest in them and wanted to share them with me. But that is apparently not what you are looking for.
I’m 53 and divorced. (My ex was able to lore me in by telling me he wanted to spend more time with me and then spent less time on me.) Anyway, I’m a registered architect but working at the library until the industry picks back up or I can move back to a larger city. I love conversation and amicable debates on any subject. I’ll play the Devil’s Advocate if no one else wants it because I think one should always at least look at the other side. I enjoy the outdoors while on vacation and the occasional trip to a park, especially if there is something going on of interest like a Big Band concert, play, or festival of some kind. I have a child of 14 and of course spend a great deal of my time and thought on getting him to adulthood with the basics of being a good human, self sufficiency and how to do anything or be anything as long as you desire to do it or be it.
I over think, over analyze, over dramatize and I’m overly emotional, but you would not know that from my cool, calm, strong, intelligent and pragmatic exterior. Only my family and closest friends know this about me. Only they know there is a kind, soft hearted and loving interior vulnerability to me. So I do not wear my heart on my sleeve and I can play with the best of them. You have to invest in me to get the rest of me.
You say you want a woman who can share your love of the NFL but it appears as though you want someone who will sit at home waiting for you to spend some time with her. Or perhaps someone who has her own interests so she won’t bother you while you are living your life and yet you probably still expect her to be there for you when you have time. This may not be what you meant but it is what you conveyed.
If you did mean it, I feel sorry for the woman who falls in love with you and then wastes away at home hoping you will share some small part of yourself with her. On the other hand, I feel sorry for you when you fall in love with the woman you asked for only to find out that she is what you asked for. You did say you were willing to compromise and bend, however, you still have it in your head that your interests will not change. That how you are now will stay the same. I’m not saying the right woman will want to change you but that you will want to change for the right woman. And if you are the right man, she will want to change with you.
It is best to drop your expectations of what you want in a woman just so she will fit nicely into the life you lead now. Instead, stay open to all possibilities. If you are open to where life will lead you, you will have a more fulfilling life and relationships. Otherwise, you will get what you asked for; more of the same life you already have.
Not online yet but thinking about it – Sherry
October 28, 2014 at 3:13 pm
Elva
I have had numerous men (more than 1,500) send me e-mails, chat requests ect.. so my picture is not the problem. The problem that I have is getting a match, either I am not physically, intellectually, spiritually, or, philosophically attracted to them. I am an old school thinker and prefer a man to have more traditional thoughts. Most men I have met are under-achievers, so, I guess the “good ones” are taken. They post pictures of themselves without a shirt, holding something in their hand representative of a phallic symbol (yuk don’t want to see your junk!). They are straddled on a motorcycle and say we could drive up to the mountains and get a beer. I am not getting on a motorcycle with someone I don’t know and have them ride down the mountain sloshed. Then they post pictures at the gym. I am sorry working out is a personal goal and you usually do it alone. I am not interested. I am not interested in bicyclist that want to live on their bikes for hours. They narrow the content of what they want to share to activities, that can be enjoyed alone. I want to hear more about what we would have in common, what you value, what makes you, you. I know what I am attracted to when it comes to religion, politics, social activities, personality types, physical type, intellectual capacity, emotional capacity etc… Yet when I have asked the men that e-mailed me they don’t have a clue, they just want to get into adolescent bantering flirts, not even the kind loving type, they are the barf kind, mean spirited. I cannot tell you how many immature men I have come across, I am ready to give up. I have removed all of my profiles to take a break, because I am exhausted and it is no longer fun.
October 28, 2014 at 12:51 pm
Bloomingdale 316
Hi Speed
Just so I understand ‘the authors’. ( you) background a bit better, I was wondering if you would answer a few questions.
Have you been married, if so for how long.
How long have you been doing online dating
What are you looking for in a relationship…. casual dating, long term exclusive relationship, marriage… Etc.
what are you looking for in a date… Beauty, brains, domesticy, adventure
I found your article very interesting
However, I think you may be in that segment of maledom who is looking for a girl very different than me.
October 28, 2014 at 1:54 pm
Speed
That’s a very fair question. I’m 49 and have never been married or in a relationship beyond one year (at the time, it seemed like 20 years). I have been doing online dating on and off for about 15 years. I have focused heavily on career, travel, education and self-development (3 languages, MBA, etc. etc. male brag, male brag…) So on paper or at first glance, I might look like just another toxic bachelor or Peter Pan. I know some women have broken up with me for that reason. Certainly, others probably skip my profile for that reason. Nearly 50 and never married? What the heck’s wrong with him???
But over the last 15 months, though, for various reasons, I began to reassess whether I want to continue on this way for the rest of my life. The answer is probably no. Why else would a man be commenting on a woman’s dating blog? I’m actually here to learn. (The only stuff for men in this area is GQ Magazine or Esquire.) I even learn from the women who excoriate me on this blog. Anyway, nowadays I’m dating with purpose. The reason is that I want some familiarity and stability in my life. Only something long-term can provide that. That’s why nowadays I’m dating with some purpose, rather than the breezy jocularity that I used to.
As far as career goes, I’m managing partner in a small international media firm, which means of course that I’m a total workaholic. I hope to work less over the next few years as we continue to expand and I can delegate more, but I don’t think I’ll ever be a 9-5 person. I know that’s a deal-breaker for many women, as I have experienced. I would say my strong point is my sense of duty toward family and friends.
As long as a woman meets a threshold attraction for me and is nice and easygoing, that’s enough. As long as she can tolerate my work and travel schedule and love of the NFL, that’s enough. I have a maid and cooking service, so I don’t need her to have any domestic skills. In return, I can do whatever I can for her—a reasonably comfortable life, and companionship whenever I can.
I guess that might sound cold, analytic, practical and even transactional but, to be honest, I think the best relationships and marriages that I have observed are transactional with a layer of sentiment on top—even if the couples involved don’t fully understand that. In my observation, marriages based on deep sentiment or chemistry alone don’t last too long. I want to avoid that.
So when a woman’s profile is full of sentiment and dreams or political or environmental statements, I know she’s not for me. I’m not saying she’s bad or wrong, just not for me. When she writes that she’s looking for a good, stable, guy who’s ambitious and hard-working, that’s more of a match. I also don’t want to get involved with a female workaholic again. In my experience, that doesn’t work at all. It’s like putting two rams in a confined space.
I fully understand that my lifestyle isn’t acceptable for many women and many women have lifestyles that aren’t good for me. I also understand that whatever I say here, I’m going to have to compromise and bend.
October 28, 2014 at 4:08 pm
Elva
Nice…please post this to men on a dating web-site so they can get a clue. A normal person would be nice meet…one that has aged gracefully. I don’t want to see pictures of a man from the 1970’s reliving his old glory days. Your biographical pics can be shared later, then they would be endearing, and not scream desperate!
Again, I appreciate your insights! Thank you so much! Julia
October 28, 2014 at 1:53 am
Francie
Why bother writing a profile. Just have a great picture(s) and “just the facts”. Based on what Speed has to say, men don’t want to read profiles.
October 28, 2014 at 10:27 am
Speed
I didn’t want to imply that profiles are “worthless.” I just usually skip or skim them (especially the long ones), but I still do look for red flags (such as “no-meat eaters!”).
Sometimes, I will ignore a red flag or two in a profile, just to be open to something new or take a gamble. And a profile tells me nothing about how she’ll act or be in real life. I’ve dated women with real ramshackle profiles who turned out to be awesome and I’ve dated women with what seemed like pitch-perfect profiles who turned out to be, to put it gently, incompatible.
For all these reasons, and probably because of my brutish male DNA, I put much more stock in photos and headers than profiles. I would like to see some profiles based on simplicity, openness, positivity, and so on instead of clichés like “soulmate” or “seeking a partner in crime.” But it’s not realistic to wait and hope for the entire female gender to change its profile posting habits. I have to work with what I see on the field.
Even so, I always skip profiles that are not filled out at all, or just have 1-2 lines. I figure that these are scammers (hello Russia!) or women who think that they are so awesome they don’t have to bother to put in 20 minutes to do something the rest of us mortals have to do. A clichéd profile is basically okay, since it’s so widespread. However, an empty profile says scammer or crazy person.
Speaking of brutishness, one of the posters above commented about unwanted advances in online dating. I can say this: if a guy is taking you out (and usually paying for these dates), he’s going to try to make a pass—and the pass he makes is probably going to be a lot less smooth than James Bond’s. For guys who have been in marriages for 20-30 years, the sort of pass they make may be as clumsy as the ones in college—because he hasn’t dated since then. Or it might be something ridiculous that he’s copied from TV or the Web (or, yes, adult films). Some (a lot of!) guys have been in sexless marriages, so they’re eager to finally “get busy” so to speak.
Just because he’s clumsy and overheated doesn’t mean he’s a villain or player (in fact, players are smooth, not clumsy, by definition). If you like him but you’re not ready, all you’ve got to do say something like, “Slow down tiger,” or something. I’ve seen women tame bears and lions, so it’s certainly easy to tame us men. If he likes you, he’ll wait a little (although, I should say, not forever). If you really don’t like him, all you have to do say, “Let’s be friends.” Problem solved.
If you scold a man for acting on his animal instincts (“how dare you! Don’t you know this is the 21st century?!”), then that’s the end of everything right there. If a guy’s dating you, sooner or later (sooner rather than later), he’s going to want to get into the cookie jar.
All that said, I readily admit a man should be able to read a woman’s body language and conversation tone well enough to understand whether a pass is even worth trying. But a man can misread that, too. All I’m saying is that when an otherwise ordinary and good man makes a clumsy pass, consider cutting him some slack. I don’t’ mind being shot down. But you don’t have to send your whole air force against me.
Of course, I don’t think it’s a good idea for men to insert crude comments into a profile, send or demand “intimate pics” prior to meeting, or so on. Those things don’t get results, for one and can cause a lot of fallout—just ask Anthony Weiner. There are a lot of men goofing around online saying and doing crazy things. They’re not really there to date so much as cause havoc. Do you think that the world lacks crazy people? If you let them get to you, they’ve won. You just have to brush them off your shoulders and move on.
Good luck!
October 27, 2014 at 9:48 pm
Julia
I loved this! Very helpful to me, as I’m creating my profile now and honestly, I don’t even feel interested in writing all kinds of crap about myself! So I feel you saved me a lot of time! And I appreciate that! I totally cracked up about guys that dress metro being either narcissists or still in the closet – you were warned! Because it was so unexpected AND because it is so true! Thanks so much for sharing!
Julia
October 27, 2014 at 8:10 pm
Susan
I loved it! It is great to hear an honest male reaction and his way of thinking. Thanks!
October 27, 2014 at 7:09 pm
LittleMaria
Thanks Lisa, having read several professional opinions on writing a good profile, your man has nailed what I have learned is true. Although I have not found the love of my life yet, I receive many contacts each week and at least one will tell me that I have a great profile and give examples such as, your profile is very upbeat, I enjoyed reading such and such. I hope someday my soulmate takes notice.
October 27, 2014 at 5:42 pm
Elva
Nice to have input from a man. Although I don’t think he is too knowledgeable with what women want. All of his complaints of what women put on their profile are the same that I have for the male population’s profile. They want to post that they are fit and go to the gym daily, they travel, like to walk on the beach…yadah, yadah, yadah.
Then they proceed to ask if your a good kisser in the second line,or, if they are gentlemen (sarcasm) don’t ask until second e-mail.
They ask if you are affectionate, meaning, do you like sex!
What the Hell! So, there are two sides to the story.
I have found their profiles to be boring, selfish, narrow minded, angry, and lacking any kind of education.
I don’t want a sentimental woose for a man, nor, do I want a steel arrogant snob. Somewhere in between would be nice.
So please pass it forward that women want someone who can communicate who they are, really are, what they are looking for besides kissing and sex, as there are more than 15 minutes in a day. What they value. If you don’t want a relationship, please state this on your profile! So many feign wanting a relationship to ask for sex. This is not acceptable. I wouldn’t kiss someone that I don’t know, and that does not mean that I am a prude.
E
October 27, 2014 at 5:16 pm
Terri
I LOVE these ‘to-the-point’ admissions. I think a lot of women doing the on-line dating game actually DO think their profiles are windows into their souls, or something like that, when I read them. I’ve always suspected that men generally look at the photo, read over the basics for necessary criteria (age, level of education and earning, kids or no kids, location) and then make contact if they feel it’s a likely good match.
What is also confirmed here is another suspicion I’ve had that they don’t waste too much time getting to know a woman if the first meeting doesn’t elicit a “threshold attraction”. It really is a “numbers game” and women need to approach it from that understanding. Honestly, not much different from the bar-scene in the 70’s and 80’s, without the benefit of the immediate face-to-face. Sadly, I think it’s about the only method left to meet dating-minded men after 50.
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November 3, 2014 at 2:20 am
Michelle
it is so hard to be yourself online. i do so respect a man who knows how to be a man and they are rare. maybe they forgot but it’s not about them loving sports or NASCAR it’s about how they own their manhood and in turn bring out the woman in you. then you in turn own your role abd it’s naturally comforting and stimulating. but so many men and women have forgotten how that works and their are so many men who wait for you to tell them what you want or what to do and how to do it that i wonder if there are any men out there who know how to take the lead who are open. i don’t want a man to be like my girlfriend but when i date a guy he is constantly asking me what to do where to go..have they been so beat down they are afraid to take a step without having to check with someone first? show me you..that’s stimulating. stop being afraid to be who you really are. we can put on the dating face for only so long ..be real be true to who you are..even if it doesn’t get you sex..at least there will be no misunderstandings.
October 29, 2014 at 3:20 pm
Steve Kerner
Hello Lisa,
Nice post.
Your guest contributor seems to be a real guy, and not a feminine re-programmed version of man-hood. Kudos to him, and to you for posting his view.
In my opinion, women would do well realizing the sexes are absolutely different… and for very specific and real reasons – that neither most men nor women realize. Also, Speed is correct… too many conditions are placed on relationships (maybe the fault of the format of some dating services).
Relationships may not last too long when expectations are based on conditions. Folks should be… and let be, and enjoy their differences while being together for the day – or for a lifetime. There is much to learn from each other… when not limited by conditions.
October 29, 2014 at 12:48 pm
Bloomingdale 316
Hi Speed,
Thanks for your willingness to answer.
I found your reply very interesting.
I didn’t ask about your career, but thanks for sharing.
It appears you are looking for a nice easygoing girl who will basically say okay to whatever you say, want and do.
You speak of finding someone with similar life values. How would you suggest someone goes about putting life values in a profile.
Same question for ‘showing you are caring’ or however you phrased the fourth item.
Lisa, I really like the idea of hearing men’s point of view. Perhaps you could find a few more guys. Such as a 60 year old ish widower, and someone divorced after a long marriage, who are committed to finding a long term relationship with a woman whose intelligence and opinion they value.
Speed, I’m sure you are a nice guy. But I doubt you’d be interested in a 58 year old widow who has had, a retired from, a successful professional career. And I think that’s who and what alot of ladies in this group are.
As for me, I’d like to date casually until I find a guy to have a longer term exclusive relationship with. And when I get to that point, I’d be happy to sleep with them. But I’m not planning any bedtime adventure with a guy just a couple of dates into it, no matter how much he might want it. I think that means I’m not easy and I have standards.
My profile asks for a dynamic man who knows who he is and what he wants. I’m looking for a confident, intelligent man. I dint want to change him and would like the same in return. Is that a reasonable thing to ask for, or is that a turn off?
Thanks for reading and replying.
October 30, 2014 at 3:10 pm
Speed
I can’t see anything wrong with your profile. Your specs on the guy seem positive and open to me, and also reasonable. I also noticed on your other posts that you seemed both intelligent and diplomatic. You don’t need me to tell you that, because you already know it.
As to life values, I think this comes out in the metamessage of the entire profile and photos. The metamessage is far more important than a particular line or particular photo. I’ve already admitted that I usually skim profiles. However, when I do read one seriously I read metamessages like:
Jane
My passions are…X
I’m very involved in…X
Photos focused on X
Metamessage: I better darn well get into X, because it takes up a lot of Jane’s life. Jane has a tight schedule, so I have to beg and plead my way in.
Sally
I’m tired of meeting losers on the site. Please have yourself together when you contact me. Don’t be broke or an alcoholic or uneducated. Please send emails instead of winks.
Very nice attractive photos
Metamessage: Sally is little bit burnt out, maybe even depressed. Despite her good looks, buyer beware.
Mandy
I’m just loving another awesome day. It’s the kind of day that I take my dog out for a walk, have a margarita at the cafe or go bicycling. Won’t you join me?
Photos: Average
Metamessage: Mandy is living a great life and has room for another person in it. She’s upbeat, active and looking for a person who is the same.
Of the three women above (who are basically composites of women I’ve seen on Match.com), Mandy is the one I’m going to contact. Although, ironically, the Jane types are by far the most widespread profiles I see online. Also, huge number of Sallys. Mandys are somewhat rare.
I guess my main point is that, to me, the most important thing in a profile is the metamessage sent by the photos, text and their combination. If you make a profile, consider the metamessage and even ask someone (not a friend or family member, since they can never be impartial), about what metamessage they see.
As a side note, some of the commenters in this thread seem to think I’m some sort of tyrant seeking a domestic servant or something. Trust me: I have no desire to give orders to staff all day and then come home to try to do the same to a woman. Even if it were feasible (which it probably isn’t in 2014), it would just be too exhausting.
Anyway, you and most the woman on this board (even the ones that regularly castigate me) seem like good people and I’ve learned a lot. You just have keep up your positive energy and spirit and keep the forward motion going. As a Chinese monk wrote, “To the swimmer out in the ocean, the shoreline looks far away, but when he turns around, it is right behind him.”
October 29, 2014 at 11:11 am
Sherry Seiler
Hello Speed,
I believe in your original post, you did lead many of us to believe we could save time by just posting pictures. Thanks for clearing that up. As for your post on who you are and what you are looking for…
I used to love NASCAR until “The Intimidator” died. It was already becoming too similar to the “sweet smelling”, entitled Formula racing for my tastes anyway. I was also into the NFL back when Bun Philips proved he knew how to get the most out of a player and team by motivating them. I could in fact be “into” these types of things again if I were with someone who had an interest in them and wanted to share them with me. But that is apparently not what you are looking for.
I’m 53 and divorced. (My ex was able to lore me in by telling me he wanted to spend more time with me and then spent less time on me.) Anyway, I’m a registered architect but working at the library until the industry picks back up or I can move back to a larger city. I love conversation and amicable debates on any subject. I’ll play the Devil’s Advocate if no one else wants it because I think one should always at least look at the other side. I enjoy the outdoors while on vacation and the occasional trip to a park, especially if there is something going on of interest like a Big Band concert, play, or festival of some kind. I have a child of 14 and of course spend a great deal of my time and thought on getting him to adulthood with the basics of being a good human, self sufficiency and how to do anything or be anything as long as you desire to do it or be it.
I over think, over analyze, over dramatize and I’m overly emotional, but you would not know that from my cool, calm, strong, intelligent and pragmatic exterior. Only my family and closest friends know this about me. Only they know there is a kind, soft hearted and loving interior vulnerability to me. So I do not wear my heart on my sleeve and I can play with the best of them. You have to invest in me to get the rest of me.
You say you want a woman who can share your love of the NFL but it appears as though you want someone who will sit at home waiting for you to spend some time with her. Or perhaps someone who has her own interests so she won’t bother you while you are living your life and yet you probably still expect her to be there for you when you have time. This may not be what you meant but it is what you conveyed.
If you did mean it, I feel sorry for the woman who falls in love with you and then wastes away at home hoping you will share some small part of yourself with her. On the other hand, I feel sorry for you when you fall in love with the woman you asked for only to find out that she is what you asked for. You did say you were willing to compromise and bend, however, you still have it in your head that your interests will not change. That how you are now will stay the same. I’m not saying the right woman will want to change you but that you will want to change for the right woman. And if you are the right man, she will want to change with you.
It is best to drop your expectations of what you want in a woman just so she will fit nicely into the life you lead now. Instead, stay open to all possibilities. If you are open to where life will lead you, you will have a more fulfilling life and relationships. Otherwise, you will get what you asked for; more of the same life you already have.
Not online yet but thinking about it – Sherry
October 28, 2014 at 3:13 pm
Elva
I have had numerous men (more than 1,500) send me e-mails, chat requests ect.. so my picture is not the problem. The problem that I have is getting a match, either I am not physically, intellectually, spiritually, or, philosophically attracted to them. I am an old school thinker and prefer a man to have more traditional thoughts. Most men I have met are under-achievers, so, I guess the “good ones” are taken. They post pictures of themselves without a shirt, holding something in their hand representative of a phallic symbol (yuk don’t want to see your junk!). They are straddled on a motorcycle and say we could drive up to the mountains and get a beer. I am not getting on a motorcycle with someone I don’t know and have them ride down the mountain sloshed. Then they post pictures at the gym. I am sorry working out is a personal goal and you usually do it alone. I am not interested. I am not interested in bicyclist that want to live on their bikes for hours. They narrow the content of what they want to share to activities, that can be enjoyed alone. I want to hear more about what we would have in common, what you value, what makes you, you. I know what I am attracted to when it comes to religion, politics, social activities, personality types, physical type, intellectual capacity, emotional capacity etc… Yet when I have asked the men that e-mailed me they don’t have a clue, they just want to get into adolescent bantering flirts, not even the kind loving type, they are the barf kind, mean spirited. I cannot tell you how many immature men I have come across, I am ready to give up. I have removed all of my profiles to take a break, because I am exhausted and it is no longer fun.
October 28, 2014 at 12:51 pm
Bloomingdale 316
Hi Speed
Just so I understand ‘the authors’. ( you) background a bit better, I was wondering if you would answer a few questions.
Have you been married, if so for how long.
How long have you been doing online dating
What are you looking for in a relationship…. casual dating, long term exclusive relationship, marriage… Etc.
what are you looking for in a date… Beauty, brains, domesticy, adventure
I found your article very interesting
However, I think you may be in that segment of maledom who is looking for a girl very different than me.
October 28, 2014 at 1:54 pm
Speed
That’s a very fair question. I’m 49 and have never been married or in a relationship beyond one year (at the time, it seemed like 20 years). I have been doing online dating on and off for about 15 years. I have focused heavily on career, travel, education and self-development (3 languages, MBA, etc. etc. male brag, male brag…) So on paper or at first glance, I might look like just another toxic bachelor or Peter Pan. I know some women have broken up with me for that reason. Certainly, others probably skip my profile for that reason. Nearly 50 and never married? What the heck’s wrong with him???
But over the last 15 months, though, for various reasons, I began to reassess whether I want to continue on this way for the rest of my life. The answer is probably no. Why else would a man be commenting on a woman’s dating blog? I’m actually here to learn. (The only stuff for men in this area is GQ Magazine or Esquire.) I even learn from the women who excoriate me on this blog. Anyway, nowadays I’m dating with purpose. The reason is that I want some familiarity and stability in my life. Only something long-term can provide that. That’s why nowadays I’m dating with some purpose, rather than the breezy jocularity that I used to.
As far as career goes, I’m managing partner in a small international media firm, which means of course that I’m a total workaholic. I hope to work less over the next few years as we continue to expand and I can delegate more, but I don’t think I’ll ever be a 9-5 person. I know that’s a deal-breaker for many women, as I have experienced. I would say my strong point is my sense of duty toward family and friends.
As long as a woman meets a threshold attraction for me and is nice and easygoing, that’s enough. As long as she can tolerate my work and travel schedule and love of the NFL, that’s enough. I have a maid and cooking service, so I don’t need her to have any domestic skills. In return, I can do whatever I can for her—a reasonably comfortable life, and companionship whenever I can.
I guess that might sound cold, analytic, practical and even transactional but, to be honest, I think the best relationships and marriages that I have observed are transactional with a layer of sentiment on top—even if the couples involved don’t fully understand that. In my observation, marriages based on deep sentiment or chemistry alone don’t last too long. I want to avoid that.
So when a woman’s profile is full of sentiment and dreams or political or environmental statements, I know she’s not for me. I’m not saying she’s bad or wrong, just not for me. When she writes that she’s looking for a good, stable, guy who’s ambitious and hard-working, that’s more of a match. I also don’t want to get involved with a female workaholic again. In my experience, that doesn’t work at all. It’s like putting two rams in a confined space.
I fully understand that my lifestyle isn’t acceptable for many women and many women have lifestyles that aren’t good for me. I also understand that whatever I say here, I’m going to have to compromise and bend.
October 28, 2014 at 4:08 pm
Elva
Nice…please post this to men on a dating web-site so they can get a clue. A normal person would be nice meet…one that has aged gracefully. I don’t want to see pictures of a man from the 1970’s reliving his old glory days. Your biographical pics can be shared later, then they would be endearing, and not scream desperate!
October 29, 2014 at 6:48 am
tayeoluwatoye
Approach is totally bad for woman
October 28, 2014 at 12:51 pm
Julia
Again, I appreciate your insights! Thank you so much! Julia
October 28, 2014 at 1:53 am
Francie
Why bother writing a profile. Just have a great picture(s) and “just the facts”. Based on what Speed has to say, men don’t want to read profiles.
October 28, 2014 at 10:27 am
Speed
I didn’t want to imply that profiles are “worthless.” I just usually skip or skim them (especially the long ones), but I still do look for red flags (such as “no-meat eaters!”).
Sometimes, I will ignore a red flag or two in a profile, just to be open to something new or take a gamble. And a profile tells me nothing about how she’ll act or be in real life. I’ve dated women with real ramshackle profiles who turned out to be awesome and I’ve dated women with what seemed like pitch-perfect profiles who turned out to be, to put it gently, incompatible.
For all these reasons, and probably because of my brutish male DNA, I put much more stock in photos and headers than profiles. I would like to see some profiles based on simplicity, openness, positivity, and so on instead of clichés like “soulmate” or “seeking a partner in crime.” But it’s not realistic to wait and hope for the entire female gender to change its profile posting habits. I have to work with what I see on the field.
Even so, I always skip profiles that are not filled out at all, or just have 1-2 lines. I figure that these are scammers (hello Russia!) or women who think that they are so awesome they don’t have to bother to put in 20 minutes to do something the rest of us mortals have to do. A clichéd profile is basically okay, since it’s so widespread. However, an empty profile says scammer or crazy person.
Speaking of brutishness, one of the posters above commented about unwanted advances in online dating. I can say this: if a guy is taking you out (and usually paying for these dates), he’s going to try to make a pass—and the pass he makes is probably going to be a lot less smooth than James Bond’s. For guys who have been in marriages for 20-30 years, the sort of pass they make may be as clumsy as the ones in college—because he hasn’t dated since then. Or it might be something ridiculous that he’s copied from TV or the Web (or, yes, adult films). Some (a lot of!) guys have been in sexless marriages, so they’re eager to finally “get busy” so to speak.
Just because he’s clumsy and overheated doesn’t mean he’s a villain or player (in fact, players are smooth, not clumsy, by definition). If you like him but you’re not ready, all you’ve got to do say something like, “Slow down tiger,” or something. I’ve seen women tame bears and lions, so it’s certainly easy to tame us men. If he likes you, he’ll wait a little (although, I should say, not forever). If you really don’t like him, all you have to do say, “Let’s be friends.” Problem solved.
If you scold a man for acting on his animal instincts (“how dare you! Don’t you know this is the 21st century?!”), then that’s the end of everything right there. If a guy’s dating you, sooner or later (sooner rather than later), he’s going to want to get into the cookie jar.
All that said, I readily admit a man should be able to read a woman’s body language and conversation tone well enough to understand whether a pass is even worth trying. But a man can misread that, too. All I’m saying is that when an otherwise ordinary and good man makes a clumsy pass, consider cutting him some slack. I don’t’ mind being shot down. But you don’t have to send your whole air force against me.
Of course, I don’t think it’s a good idea for men to insert crude comments into a profile, send or demand “intimate pics” prior to meeting, or so on. Those things don’t get results, for one and can cause a lot of fallout—just ask Anthony Weiner. There are a lot of men goofing around online saying and doing crazy things. They’re not really there to date so much as cause havoc. Do you think that the world lacks crazy people? If you let them get to you, they’ve won. You just have to brush them off your shoulders and move on.
Good luck!
October 27, 2014 at 9:48 pm
Julia
I loved this! Very helpful to me, as I’m creating my profile now and honestly, I don’t even feel interested in writing all kinds of crap about myself! So I feel you saved me a lot of time! And I appreciate that! I totally cracked up about guys that dress metro being either narcissists or still in the closet – you were warned! Because it was so unexpected AND because it is so true! Thanks so much for sharing!
Julia
October 27, 2014 at 8:10 pm
Susan
I loved it! It is great to hear an honest male reaction and his way of thinking. Thanks!
October 27, 2014 at 7:09 pm
LittleMaria
Thanks Lisa, having read several professional opinions on writing a good profile, your man has nailed what I have learned is true. Although I have not found the love of my life yet, I receive many contacts each week and at least one will tell me that I have a great profile and give examples such as, your profile is very upbeat, I enjoyed reading such and such. I hope someday my soulmate takes notice.
October 27, 2014 at 5:42 pm
Elva
Nice to have input from a man. Although I don’t think he is too knowledgeable with what women want. All of his complaints of what women put on their profile are the same that I have for the male population’s profile. They want to post that they are fit and go to the gym daily, they travel, like to walk on the beach…yadah, yadah, yadah.
Then they proceed to ask if your a good kisser in the second line,or, if they are gentlemen (sarcasm) don’t ask until second e-mail.
They ask if you are affectionate, meaning, do you like sex!
What the Hell! So, there are two sides to the story.
I have found their profiles to be boring, selfish, narrow minded, angry, and lacking any kind of education.
I don’t want a sentimental woose for a man, nor, do I want a steel arrogant snob. Somewhere in between would be nice.
So please pass it forward that women want someone who can communicate who they are, really are, what they are looking for besides kissing and sex, as there are more than 15 minutes in a day. What they value. If you don’t want a relationship, please state this on your profile! So many feign wanting a relationship to ask for sex. This is not acceptable. I wouldn’t kiss someone that I don’t know, and that does not mean that I am a prude.
E
October 27, 2014 at 5:16 pm
Terri
I LOVE these ‘to-the-point’ admissions. I think a lot of women doing the on-line dating game actually DO think their profiles are windows into their souls, or something like that, when I read them. I’ve always suspected that men generally look at the photo, read over the basics for necessary criteria (age, level of education and earning, kids or no kids, location) and then make contact if they feel it’s a likely good match.
What is also confirmed here is another suspicion I’ve had that they don’t waste too much time getting to know a woman if the first meeting doesn’t elicit a “threshold attraction”. It really is a “numbers game” and women need to approach it from that understanding. Honestly, not much different from the bar-scene in the 70’s and 80’s, without the benefit of the immediate face-to-face. Sadly, I think it’s about the only method left to meet dating-minded men after 50.