In his intro to the 2017 OK Cupid study on dating trends, the largest such study to date, Christian Rudder, OK Cupid’s founder, commented that “the average American woman has persuaded herself that 80% of American men aren’t good enough for her.”
If true, it should come as no surprise. Those on the way up frequently disdain those on the way own. Not everyone succumbs to this temptation, but those who do make an impression.
“As accomplished women, we’ve raised ourselves up to the mezzanine through hard work and determination…” We work for our self-improvement. Would that the other gender might.
Self-congratulation, regardless of gender, is an exercise in vanity that few who indulge it in seem the better for, including daters who may be susceptible to it, especially those who date online and rely on apps to ease the process, encountering, as they swipe, the paradox of choice. Past a certain point, choice prompts dissatisfaction as there’s always better to choose from in a sophisticated culture in which we’re free to love and leave each other with impunity or so we hope.
Which is to say that our longings and discontents are largely of our own making and that success in finding and keeping a loving partner comes down to what it always comes down to: care, kindness, respect, consideration, a brake on the tendency to overvalue ourselves and the strength of character to commit to another and, having done so, to stay the course.
January 30, 2020 at 10:52 am
Donna Joy
All I’ve been thinking lately is can I order a mail order husband. That’s not a joke. Why do men get that luxury bet she was gorgeous and much younger than him….and women are the ones being picky! yeah right! The bb man he described I’ve had twice. Both times 23 and 17 years they were not show stopper in looks . I wanted a man with Character and honesty they had no money. The first one now owns a multi million dollar hydraulics company. He gave me the gift of Muscular dystrophy in both my kids dna until infinity. That’s a long story! The second had an insane ex wife for nutjob kids and a million dollars in debit. Once again I cared about Character and Trust etc…That man built his income up to 7 figures. I was madly in love again and he was my best friend and much like described in this man’s letter what seemed to be a good guy foot rubs etc…. He ended up being borderline personality disorder and moving an handjob hooker into our condo 28 years younger. As with both I got them help and moved on as opposed to staying for the money. So while mr. bargain basement may have a point I’ve had two of them and just got destroyed. Now I’m 60 and alone and and had been in 40 years of marriages between the two. I’m not cynical I’m just know that since birth I never screwed things up just those in it.
January 30, 2020 at 6:05 am
Julie
what I say to Lee is that if you are aware of your shortcomings, then why not work on them? As women, including those of us here, we appear to constantly be working on our self improvement in order to position ourselves to have the healthiest and happiest relationship possible. That work and that investment we are making in ourselves has to go both ways, in my opinion .
While a man like Lee sounds like a wonderful partner for a woman looking for her best friend, I still find attractiveness in a man who can do for me what I can’t do for myself – as in hang a shelf, fix my car, and bring some erotic energy to our connection. Otherwise, I can see a connection with someone Lee becoming very mundane and predictable over time. My girlfriends bring tremendous feminine energy to my life. I’m seeking a man to counter that with masculine energy. For some women, that may work. But for me, I don’t typically shop basement bargains because I don’t have the patience nor the energy to repair the small tears or replace missing buttons.
As accomplished women, we’ve raised ourselves up to the mezzanine through hard work and determination. In my opinion, its time that men, like Lee – who want to connect with women like us, put in the hard work and effort as well to be able to vibrate on our same frequency. His summary sounds like a bit of a cop out to me… he’s not willing to put in the work on his own self growth, but he wants to reap all the benefits as if he did .
January 30, 2020 at 2:51 am
Kathy
I’ve met men like Lee and his buddy Jason. They can have a tendency to go find overseas mail order brides when they can’t seem to find a woman who won’t reject them. As open minded as I try to be, sometimes these guys are just too passive; which means an empowered woman they may date becomes exhausted from being in masculine energy too frequently. They call such women picky because their assumption is those women all want a handsome, charismatic Type A who will wine and dine them. Some women want that, but I prefer the middle ground; emotionally healthy/available/attentive, has his life in order and will be a partner to me. We share in decisions but sometimes one of us leads, based on our individual strengths. If such a man is average looking and can assert himself, I would absolutely give him a chance.
Thanks for sharing this information. It can sure help any team.
January 29, 2020 at 8:43 pm
Mary
Dear Lisa
Thank you for sharing this with your community .Its greatly appreciated. It’s seems very heartfelt and sincere .. If you’re interested I would love to reply to this directly to you versus posting a comment here..
Kind regards
Mary
January 29, 2020 at 6:15 pm
Elaine
I can commiserate with you. I find that many men have been burnt in a divorce and are not interested in accommodating a woman in their lives. I have also found that, despite having little to offer (out of shape, poor grooming, poor communication skills),they feel entitled to a Barbie. I guess we all dream. When I met my late husband there was no chemistry at all; he was the opposite of what my typical type was and 19 yrs older than I. I’m happy to say that giving him a chance was the best thing I ever did; we had 22 wonderful yrs!
I love how Lee talked about the problems men over 50 are having in this new age dating cycle, Women have problems here too. Not every one is looking for an Alpha male. Betta’s are great too. Yes plenty of women look at how attractive a man is, then height, age, income, etc. I will say they are missing the most important part. Don’t go by the outer appearance so much, but delve into the inner person. That is where the beauty is found. Outer beauty fades, inner beauty remains. Aren’t goals, values, communication more important than just the physical appearance of someone?
January 29, 2020 at 5:15 pm
Mana
Hi Lisa, Thanks for sharing. what he wrote is very true. But looking at it’s both way street. If a lady is pretty, attractive and young, they will get any guy. Have you noticed 99% of guys good or bad, handsome or ugly want someone young and pretty?
February 2, 2020 at 11:11 am
Lee
In his intro to the 2017 OK Cupid study on dating trends, the largest such study to date, Christian Rudder, OK Cupid’s founder, commented that “the average American woman has persuaded herself that 80% of American men aren’t good enough for her.”
If true, it should come as no surprise. Those on the way up frequently disdain those on the way own. Not everyone succumbs to this temptation, but those who do make an impression.
“As accomplished women, we’ve raised ourselves up to the mezzanine through hard work and determination…” We work for our self-improvement. Would that the other gender might.
Self-congratulation, regardless of gender, is an exercise in vanity that few who indulge it in seem the better for, including daters who may be susceptible to it, especially those who date online and rely on apps to ease the process, encountering, as they swipe, the paradox of choice. Past a certain point, choice prompts dissatisfaction as there’s always better to choose from in a sophisticated culture in which we’re free to love and leave each other with impunity or so we hope.
Which is to say that our longings and discontents are largely of our own making and that success in finding and keeping a loving partner comes down to what it always comes down to: care, kindness, respect, consideration, a brake on the tendency to overvalue ourselves and the strength of character to commit to another and, having done so, to stay the course.
January 30, 2020 at 10:52 am
Donna Joy
All I’ve been thinking lately is can I order a mail order husband. That’s not a joke. Why do men get that luxury bet she was gorgeous and much younger than him….and women are the ones being picky! yeah right! The bb man he described I’ve had twice. Both times 23 and 17 years they were not show stopper in looks . I wanted a man with Character and honesty they had no money. The first one now owns a multi million dollar hydraulics company. He gave me the gift of Muscular dystrophy in both my kids dna until infinity. That’s a long story! The second had an insane ex wife for nutjob kids and a million dollars in debit. Once again I cared about Character and Trust etc…That man built his income up to 7 figures. I was madly in love again and he was my best friend and much like described in this man’s letter what seemed to be a good guy foot rubs etc…. He ended up being borderline personality disorder and moving an handjob hooker into our condo 28 years younger. As with both I got them help and moved on as opposed to staying for the money. So while mr. bargain basement may have a point I’ve had two of them and just got destroyed. Now I’m 60 and alone and and had been in 40 years of marriages between the two. I’m not cynical I’m just know that since birth I never screwed things up just those in it.
January 30, 2020 at 6:05 am
Julie
what I say to Lee is that if you are aware of your shortcomings, then why not work on them? As women, including those of us here, we appear to constantly be working on our self improvement in order to position ourselves to have the healthiest and happiest relationship possible. That work and that investment we are making in ourselves has to go both ways, in my opinion .
While a man like Lee sounds like a wonderful partner for a woman looking for her best friend, I still find attractiveness in a man who can do for me what I can’t do for myself – as in hang a shelf, fix my car, and bring some erotic energy to our connection. Otherwise, I can see a connection with someone Lee becoming very mundane and predictable over time. My girlfriends bring tremendous feminine energy to my life. I’m seeking a man to counter that with masculine energy. For some women, that may work. But for me, I don’t typically shop basement bargains because I don’t have the patience nor the energy to repair the small tears or replace missing buttons.
As accomplished women, we’ve raised ourselves up to the mezzanine through hard work and determination. In my opinion, its time that men, like Lee – who want to connect with women like us, put in the hard work and effort as well to be able to vibrate on our same frequency. His summary sounds like a bit of a cop out to me… he’s not willing to put in the work on his own self growth, but he wants to reap all the benefits as if he did .
January 30, 2020 at 2:51 am
Kathy
I’ve met men like Lee and his buddy Jason. They can have a tendency to go find overseas mail order brides when they can’t seem to find a woman who won’t reject them. As open minded as I try to be, sometimes these guys are just too passive; which means an empowered woman they may date becomes exhausted from being in masculine energy too frequently. They call such women picky because their assumption is those women all want a handsome, charismatic Type A who will wine and dine them. Some women want that, but I prefer the middle ground; emotionally healthy/available/attentive, has his life in order and will be a partner to me. We share in decisions but sometimes one of us leads, based on our individual strengths. If such a man is average looking and can assert himself, I would absolutely give him a chance.
January 30, 2020 at 12:05 am
Edating4love
Thanks for sharing this information. It can sure help any team.
January 29, 2020 at 8:43 pm
Mary
Dear Lisa
Thank you for sharing this with your community .Its greatly appreciated. It’s seems very heartfelt and sincere .. If you’re interested I would love to reply to this directly to you versus posting a comment here..
Kind regards
Mary
January 29, 2020 at 6:15 pm
Elaine
I can commiserate with you. I find that many men have been burnt in a divorce and are not interested in accommodating a woman in their lives. I have also found that, despite having little to offer (out of shape, poor grooming, poor communication skills),they feel entitled to a Barbie. I guess we all dream. When I met my late husband there was no chemistry at all; he was the opposite of what my typical type was and 19 yrs older than I. I’m happy to say that giving him a chance was the best thing I ever did; we had 22 wonderful yrs!
January 29, 2020 at 6:05 pm
Rhonda Spor
I love how Lee talked about the problems men over 50 are having in this new age dating cycle, Women have problems here too. Not every one is looking for an Alpha male. Betta’s are great too. Yes plenty of women look at how attractive a man is, then height, age, income, etc. I will say they are missing the most important part. Don’t go by the outer appearance so much, but delve into the inner person. That is where the beauty is found. Outer beauty fades, inner beauty remains. Aren’t goals, values, communication more important than just the physical appearance of someone?
January 29, 2020 at 5:15 pm
Mana
Hi Lisa, Thanks for sharing. what he wrote is very true. But looking at it’s both way street. If a lady is pretty, attractive and young, they will get any guy. Have you noticed 99% of guys good or bad, handsome or ugly want someone young and pretty?