Dear Lisa,
I’ve had men write me online but I just don’t know how to answer them. Any suggestions? Margie
Margie,
I like to look at online dating as if it’s a virtual cocktail party. How would you act at a party? You’d be fun, flirty and cute.
Your flow of emails are the same as cocktail party conversation – light and fun.
To do this, take a few moments to collect your thoughts before answering a man’s letter.
Keep your answers short and be sure to ask a fun question he can respond to.
You’ll find if questions aren’t asked, email flow can end.
If he starts asking serious questions in his emails, then suggest taking your conversation to the phone.
See this as the fun/flirty phase of opening up a conversation to see whether you want to talk or meet a new man.
Dear Lisa,
I’ve dated off and on since my divorce. About three years ago, I met a man named Steve. After a couple of dates with a little bit of kissing and some minor touchy feely playing around, we realized we were not meant to be in a romantic relationship with each other.
Yet we enjoyed our friendship and began meeting for lunch once or twice a month. When it comes to paying, we always take turns or we split the bill. We both enjoy this friendship but have no desire for any more than that.
About six months ago, I began dating an older man. I am 57 and he’s 68. He thinks this friendship is wrong and I’m being disrespectful of him by doing this. He believes men and women heading into a serious relationship should not be friends with a member of the opposite sex they once dated even if it was brief.
I’m having a hard time with this since my friend and I have known each other longer then this man and I have. I don’t understand why this is such a big deal. I’m not romantically interested in Steve at all. I’m not sure what to do about this. I’d love to get your insights. Livia
Livia,
I’ve known many men and women including myself who have stayed friends with people they briefly dated. Often a romantic relationship won’t work but a plutonic one does quite well.
It sounds like your boyfriend might have some trust issues. There’s always the possibility a woman in his past cheated on him and he’s projecting his distrust upon you out of fear you’ll do the same thing.
Also, your current boyfriend is a member of the Silent Generation, the men and women born prior to Baby Boomers.
What might help you is to understand this man comes from a generation where honor, respect and doing the right thing are part of his core.
This man would likely lay down his life for you. Think of men who, in Medieval times, would have dueled for your heart, believing may the best man win.
To your boyfriend, Steve is being disrespectful of his territory, which he sees you as a part of.
Boomers view life differently than many from the generation before them. They grew up with free love and give peace a chance.
This is the reason for the conflict you have in your relationship.
So where do you go? If your relationship with this man is something you want to continue, you will probably have to give up your relationship with Steve.
I’m not saying its right, but it’s likely the only way you’ll have peace with your boyfriend. It sounds like there’s no room for compromise here.
Or you can find a man who may have female friends of his own and will be fine with your friendship with Steve.
Your heart is a great guidance system. Check in and see what feels best to you to get your answer.
Believing in You!
P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50
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Livia
I would advise you to keep your radar on. I am not being nasty, mean or disrespectful of your date. Lisa is so right about the generational thing. I am only a few days from the final court date for my divorce. I am 55, he is 70. He was much like you are describing your date. I was very giving in terms of his concerns, because I understood he was from that generation (so giving that I ended giving up all my friends and spent little time with my family). Some of his issues, I am sure were generational, but, there were also issues of past affairs (which were well hidden from me by he and his family) and very serious control issues. Bear in mind here, all men are different, and I am not saying your date is prone to affairs or being a control freak, but if this does not feel right to you – it may not be. Pay attention to those feelings. It will save you much future grief. Hoping all works out for you.
Katie
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I am so glad I’m not the only one having these kinds of experiences with an older man. I agree control freak is the perfect word. It’s almost as if its his way or the highway. You’ve given me so much to think about.
I am so sorry about your divorce. Good Luck!
Livia
Dear Lisa,
Thank you so much for keep sending me a few cases for me to learn. They have similor cases as me so I can learn a lot from this. I really like your advices you have provided them.
Wish you have a good day,
Soun
You are so welcome Soun!
I had the same problem except mine was 61 closer to the free love generation. I choose to keep my guy friends and he walked away. It hurt but my guy friends are still there and I would not give them up for a MAYBE? I especially like your comment about protecting his territory. He actually made a comment about wanting to go mono e mono with my friend.
Shelly
Good for you Shelly for having the courage to stand up for what’s important to you. So many of us cave and give ourselves up for a man’s beliefs.
The key is trusting him and trusting yourself that you’ve chosen someone who will be honest with you. If you were going to do anything with these men, you would have already. It’s sad that some men feel they must be so territorial.
So glad you shared your story. Thank you.