As far as deal breakers go there is a difference between going on a date and a l.t.r. I am aa vegetarian and I couldn’t live with someone who cooked meat in the house.
September 17, 2015 at 11:10 am
Hermione
Your website is consistently of high quality. I go away; I return and read it; I always find substantive, smart, and empathetic information and advice. Thank you for remaining so sanguine in the face of anti-older women sentiments that soak our American culture.
September 15, 2015 at 11:36 pm
Karen
He cannot have a temper. He must have the same faith as I do. He must love cats as well as dogs. He does not like to hunt. He is generous. He is romantic and he cannot smoke.
September 15, 2015 at 8:06 pm
Robin
I’m seeing someone also similar unemployed likes to gamble. Irresponsible. I’m professional. Responsible I think that generation of men was accepted by women no matter what. Especially they’re mothers. This generation of women. Wants equally responsible men. They don’t understand why we don’t accept them. They’ll just have to live with they’re mothers(many do) or find women who rant so accomplished who won’t mind they’re behavior a problem
September 17, 2015 at 7:22 am
Jenny Eaton
Wow, Robin. What an insight. I never put that together but yes, this man’s mother certainly did that with him and convinced him he was “special” (not just special to her). Thanks for the insight and best wishes!
September 15, 2015 at 8:13 am
Jenny Eaton
Thanks Lisa, this was a very timely article for me TODAY.I was in a dating relationship for 7+ years after my divorce of 30 years of marriage. It was so good to have a man who truly enjoyed doing all the things I like to do (hiking, kayaking, anything outdoors, music, etc.) But his deal breakers were: He liked to gamble on horse races (but he REFUSED to admit it is gambling) and since you can’t legally do that in Georgia he traded that for day trading the stock market (lost lots of money and is still losing but that isn’t gambling in his opinion). Won’t get a “real” job. He is just SURE he will one day make it in the market, IF ONLY he just had a whole lot of money to put in it (He has lost $80K of his 401) He is cheap (not just frugal). He has an extremely negative attitude. Has a bad temper (over small stuff) has really bad manners and poor social skills. And there are a few more.
Now looking at my own post here I am wondering WHY I feel I can’t do any better? I have a good job, secure retirement, good manner, social skills…. My male friends say I’m attractive, sexy, smart and funny. Why do we women tell ourselves this? Oh, wait, maybe it is because the men try to make us think/feel that they are the best we can do. Thanks, I needed this today 🙂
September 15, 2015 at 2:37 am
nkechi
Thanks Lisa,you always make my day!knowing ones deal breakers is important fr having a sustainable relationship.Karibu tena,asante sanaa.
Hello Lisa,
It also includes more for me I mean three more:
1. Attitude and approach in adjusting with my mood and behaviour.
2. Level of give by him at the crucial times i.e distressed times.
3. What a level of good friend he can be in general.
Thank you.
September 14, 2015 at 5:51 pm
Liz
I actually did this in the past. Dealbreakers: Men who hunt for seashells at the beach. Men who wear Crocs. Men who wear a lot of jewelry. Men with only moustaches (that’s out of date). Guys who shave their heads (a little hair is better than none). Guys with a quick temper, or who are broke, or who drink too much. I forget what else!
September 14, 2015 at 5:26 pm
Debbra Sherouse
Lisa, I found a man on pof and we have these things in common: We’re both left handed, smoke cigarettes, and neither one has a pet. It’s hard to find someone who uses the same hand when you’re left handed.
September 14, 2015 at 5:20 pm
Terri
1. cigarette smoking. Pot smoking isn’t a problem, as long as it doesn’t interfere with day to day life. I.e., at the level one would call a social drinker.
2. politics – I’m unabashedly left wing politically & socially, and especially where I live, that is a HUGE deal breaker for MEN. I’ve been called a “fat libtard” and told “go back where you came from” more times than I can count.
Along with that of course, goes no racists or homophobes.
3.No one super religious. I’m a culturally Jewish secular humanist. I meet all too many “Capital C” Christians where I live.
4. riding your Harley. I’m sorry, I’m afraid of motorcycles. YOU can ride yours, but I’m not getting on it.
April 30, 2014 at 11:00 am
Speed
Here’s my dealbreaker: women who are down on men, angry with men or who say “men suck” or “men are lazy” or men are pigs, dummies, slobs, wolves, con artists, thugs, etc.
Some women write that blatantly in their profile, others say or imply it on a first date (which is always a signal to me to wrap up things early).
I could certainly never date such a woman and could never imagine a man who would. But good luck to those women. They’re going to need it.
April 29, 2014 at 7:28 am
Jan Burkett
Just last week I was telling a man that I have deal breakers and he seemed surprised. I also said I needed to decide what idiosyncrasies I could “put up with”. Now I’m thinking I don’t need to put up with any. There used to be just two things that were my deal breakers – smoking and acting like a know it all. After having dated several different men I have added a few more…such as using correct grammar and not being a sloppy eater. Is it really that hard to find a man who doesn’t say “I ain’t got none” while chewing with his mouth open? Never good to find yourself cringing while he’s talking or eating!
April 29, 2014 at 2:11 am
Clare Seche
My deal breakers? Homophobia,
Cheapskate, Hates baseball,
That’s it.
April 28, 2014 at 1:00 pm
Noquay
Noquays dealbreakers:
1. yep, smoke is a biggie, both pot and nicotine as I am seriously allergic to the stuff
2. Financial irresponsibility/unwillingness to pull their weight as to cooking, chores, etc. I work full time, pay the bills, fix the house, run a small farm and long distance care for a parent. I am open and honest about this. I do not appreciate a guy with a “I want no responsibilities” lifestyle. I do not have time to clean up after someone else, nor can I afford to fully support someone else while they play all day, nor should I have to.
3. health and hygiene: I stay in shape, look good, dress appropriately, am always clean and do not smell, guys, you need to do these things too.
4. “Redneck” lifestyle: I am a PhD, environmentalist, organic farmer, traditional Native, and politically waaay left. Again, I am upfront about my values. Guys, do not call me an entitled b!@#$ because I do not like guns, TV, NASCAR, Rush Limbaugh, or any other manifestation of redneck culture.
5. Kids: I am in my 50’s, have already raised a brother starting when very young. I am glad that you are parenting your child, more men need to take this responsibility, but my parenting time is done.
6. Addictions = Really Bad News
I guess what I deal with a lot is a serious case of unequal expectations for men vs women. We women are supposed to look good, be financially successful, do all the housework, cooking, etc, stay in shape, make a man proud to be with them, and yet, I am constantly hit upon and chastised when refusing men that are none of these things. Go figure.
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September 19, 2015 at 4:46 pm
Barbara
As far as deal breakers go there is a difference between going on a date and a l.t.r. I am aa vegetarian and I couldn’t live with someone who cooked meat in the house.
September 17, 2015 at 11:10 am
Hermione
Your website is consistently of high quality. I go away; I return and read it; I always find substantive, smart, and empathetic information and advice. Thank you for remaining so sanguine in the face of anti-older women sentiments that soak our American culture.
September 15, 2015 at 11:36 pm
Karen
He cannot have a temper. He must have the same faith as I do. He must love cats as well as dogs. He does not like to hunt. He is generous. He is romantic and he cannot smoke.
September 15, 2015 at 8:06 pm
Robin
I’m seeing someone also similar unemployed likes to gamble. Irresponsible. I’m professional. Responsible I think that generation of men was accepted by women no matter what. Especially they’re mothers. This generation of women. Wants equally responsible men. They don’t understand why we don’t accept them. They’ll just have to live with they’re mothers(many do) or find women who rant so accomplished who won’t mind they’re behavior a problem
September 17, 2015 at 7:22 am
Jenny Eaton
Wow, Robin. What an insight. I never put that together but yes, this man’s mother certainly did that with him and convinced him he was “special” (not just special to her). Thanks for the insight and best wishes!
September 15, 2015 at 8:13 am
Jenny Eaton
Thanks Lisa, this was a very timely article for me TODAY.I was in a dating relationship for 7+ years after my divorce of 30 years of marriage. It was so good to have a man who truly enjoyed doing all the things I like to do (hiking, kayaking, anything outdoors, music, etc.) But his deal breakers were: He liked to gamble on horse races (but he REFUSED to admit it is gambling) and since you can’t legally do that in Georgia he traded that for day trading the stock market (lost lots of money and is still losing but that isn’t gambling in his opinion). Won’t get a “real” job. He is just SURE he will one day make it in the market, IF ONLY he just had a whole lot of money to put in it (He has lost $80K of his 401) He is cheap (not just frugal). He has an extremely negative attitude. Has a bad temper (over small stuff) has really bad manners and poor social skills. And there are a few more.
Now looking at my own post here I am wondering WHY I feel I can’t do any better? I have a good job, secure retirement, good manner, social skills…. My male friends say I’m attractive, sexy, smart and funny. Why do we women tell ourselves this? Oh, wait, maybe it is because the men try to make us think/feel that they are the best we can do. Thanks, I needed this today 🙂
September 15, 2015 at 2:37 am
nkechi
Thanks Lisa,you always make my day!knowing ones deal breakers is important fr having a sustainable relationship.Karibu tena,asante sanaa.
September 15, 2015 at 12:19 am
Saranya
Hello Lisa,
It also includes more for me I mean three more:
1. Attitude and approach in adjusting with my mood and behaviour.
2. Level of give by him at the crucial times i.e distressed times.
3. What a level of good friend he can be in general.
Thank you.
September 14, 2015 at 5:51 pm
Liz
I actually did this in the past. Dealbreakers: Men who hunt for seashells at the beach. Men who wear Crocs. Men who wear a lot of jewelry. Men with only moustaches (that’s out of date). Guys who shave their heads (a little hair is better than none). Guys with a quick temper, or who are broke, or who drink too much. I forget what else!
September 14, 2015 at 5:26 pm
Debbra Sherouse
Lisa, I found a man on pof and we have these things in common: We’re both left handed, smoke cigarettes, and neither one has a pet. It’s hard to find someone who uses the same hand when you’re left handed.
September 14, 2015 at 5:20 pm
Terri
1. cigarette smoking. Pot smoking isn’t a problem, as long as it doesn’t interfere with day to day life. I.e., at the level one would call a social drinker.
2. politics – I’m unabashedly left wing politically & socially, and especially where I live, that is a HUGE deal breaker for MEN. I’ve been called a “fat libtard” and told “go back where you came from” more times than I can count.
Along with that of course, goes no racists or homophobes.
3.No one super religious. I’m a culturally Jewish secular humanist. I meet all too many “Capital C” Christians where I live.
4. riding your Harley. I’m sorry, I’m afraid of motorcycles. YOU can ride yours, but I’m not getting on it.
April 30, 2014 at 11:00 am
Speed
Here’s my dealbreaker: women who are down on men, angry with men or who say “men suck” or “men are lazy” or men are pigs, dummies, slobs, wolves, con artists, thugs, etc.
Some women write that blatantly in their profile, others say or imply it on a first date (which is always a signal to me to wrap up things early).
I could certainly never date such a woman and could never imagine a man who would. But good luck to those women. They’re going to need it.
April 29, 2014 at 7:28 am
Jan Burkett
Just last week I was telling a man that I have deal breakers and he seemed surprised. I also said I needed to decide what idiosyncrasies I could “put up with”. Now I’m thinking I don’t need to put up with any. There used to be just two things that were my deal breakers – smoking and acting like a know it all. After having dated several different men I have added a few more…such as using correct grammar and not being a sloppy eater. Is it really that hard to find a man who doesn’t say “I ain’t got none” while chewing with his mouth open? Never good to find yourself cringing while he’s talking or eating!
April 29, 2014 at 2:11 am
Clare Seche
My deal breakers? Homophobia,
Cheapskate, Hates baseball,
That’s it.
April 28, 2014 at 1:00 pm
Noquay
Noquays dealbreakers:
1. yep, smoke is a biggie, both pot and nicotine as I am seriously allergic to the stuff
2. Financial irresponsibility/unwillingness to pull their weight as to cooking, chores, etc. I work full time, pay the bills, fix the house, run a small farm and long distance care for a parent. I am open and honest about this. I do not appreciate a guy with a “I want no responsibilities” lifestyle. I do not have time to clean up after someone else, nor can I afford to fully support someone else while they play all day, nor should I have to.
3. health and hygiene: I stay in shape, look good, dress appropriately, am always clean and do not smell, guys, you need to do these things too.
4. “Redneck” lifestyle: I am a PhD, environmentalist, organic farmer, traditional Native, and politically waaay left. Again, I am upfront about my values. Guys, do not call me an entitled b!@#$ because I do not like guns, TV, NASCAR, Rush Limbaugh, or any other manifestation of redneck culture.
5. Kids: I am in my 50’s, have already raised a brother starting when very young. I am glad that you are parenting your child, more men need to take this responsibility, but my parenting time is done.
6. Addictions = Really Bad News
I guess what I deal with a lot is a serious case of unequal expectations for men vs women. We women are supposed to look good, be financially successful, do all the housework, cooking, etc, stay in shape, make a man proud to be with them, and yet, I am constantly hit upon and chastised when refusing men that are none of these things. Go figure.