Thanks Speed. I was actually hoping you would reply. I’ve grown to look forward to your insight. I believe the majority of ones baggage can be z’processed’ ond overcome with a bit of self reflection… And on occasion even a bit of therapy. There is no reason to expect ones future date to behave as a past date did, and if you carry that into the next relationship, it’s just asking for problems. But there are those life changing events that become part of who you are. They can be great wonderful things or major tragedies. Eventually it all comes out and how the person reacts does say a lot about the future of the relationship. The second part is how do you carry you baggage… Like a lead weight around your neck? A travelling suitcase that’s always with you? Or a storybook that’s is just a part of the history of your life?
Thanks again for your replies Patrice and Speed.
February 23, 2015 at 8:35 pm
Bloomingdale 316
Thanks for the support. I guess I’m looking for suggestions on better or other ways to deliver the message that might not be so shocking. I usually first day something like it was very sudden or unexpected. But they always ask for more details. I won’t lie about it and make it be something it wasn’t. After people (not just dates) get to know me, they learn I’m very open to talking about the effects of suicide an those left behind and partipate annually in a 5k walk for life. But is there a better way to deliver the message?
February 27, 2015 at 1:21 pm
Speed
@ Bloomingdale
I don’t think you need a specific wording. Lisa’s main point was correct: we all have baggage. Ideally, it is unpacked slowly, discretely, over time.
That being the case, any adult man knows not to pry too directly into a woman’s past, or at least a woman that he doesn’t know well. At this age, we’re all supposed to know the social graces. Guys who ask a lot of blunt questions on the first few dates have not really grown up.
Your husband’s passing was a tragedy. When a man hears that a woman has gone through a tragedy, his first instinct is protectiveness and empathy. We don’t emote like women, but we can offer the strong shoulder, so to speak.
If a man bails when he hears a woman has experienced a tragedy, he’s not really a man—at least in the traditional sense. So these non-men are doing you a favor by bailing when they come to understand their date is not a shiny new penny.
Let those men continue chasing unicorns. There are plenty of other good ones out there.
February 23, 2015 at 8:14 pm
Patrice
Wow That is a tough one. I would think that this fact reflects on him, not you. I am sorry for your loss. I think if any guy wants to run after hearing that, he is just not for you. Case closed. You still have 50% who don’t run. Focus on that.
February 23, 2015 at 5:40 pm
Bloomingdale 316
I have an interesting piece of baggage and I’d like some suggestions. I’m a widow and eventually the topic of my husbands death comes up. I’m not the one who brings it up. I do my best to avoid the topic. Here is the problem. My husband chose to end his own life. I do my best to minimize the conversation, say he was a great guy, say it was difficult when it happened, but I’ve done the work and moved on with my life…. It has been five years… But it does have a tendency to end more than 50% of my ‘dates’….Suggestions? Opinions?
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February 27, 2015 at 3:10 pm
Bloomingdale 316
Thanks Speed. I was actually hoping you would reply. I’ve grown to look forward to your insight. I believe the majority of ones baggage can be z’processed’ ond overcome with a bit of self reflection… And on occasion even a bit of therapy. There is no reason to expect ones future date to behave as a past date did, and if you carry that into the next relationship, it’s just asking for problems. But there are those life changing events that become part of who you are. They can be great wonderful things or major tragedies. Eventually it all comes out and how the person reacts does say a lot about the future of the relationship. The second part is how do you carry you baggage… Like a lead weight around your neck? A travelling suitcase that’s always with you? Or a storybook that’s is just a part of the history of your life?
Thanks again for your replies Patrice and Speed.
February 23, 2015 at 8:35 pm
Bloomingdale 316
Thanks for the support. I guess I’m looking for suggestions on better or other ways to deliver the message that might not be so shocking. I usually first day something like it was very sudden or unexpected. But they always ask for more details. I won’t lie about it and make it be something it wasn’t. After people (not just dates) get to know me, they learn I’m very open to talking about the effects of suicide an those left behind and partipate annually in a 5k walk for life. But is there a better way to deliver the message?
February 27, 2015 at 1:21 pm
Speed
@ Bloomingdale
I don’t think you need a specific wording. Lisa’s main point was correct: we all have baggage. Ideally, it is unpacked slowly, discretely, over time.
That being the case, any adult man knows not to pry too directly into a woman’s past, or at least a woman that he doesn’t know well. At this age, we’re all supposed to know the social graces. Guys who ask a lot of blunt questions on the first few dates have not really grown up.
Your husband’s passing was a tragedy. When a man hears that a woman has gone through a tragedy, his first instinct is protectiveness and empathy. We don’t emote like women, but we can offer the strong shoulder, so to speak.
If a man bails when he hears a woman has experienced a tragedy, he’s not really a man—at least in the traditional sense. So these non-men are doing you a favor by bailing when they come to understand their date is not a shiny new penny.
Let those men continue chasing unicorns. There are plenty of other good ones out there.
February 23, 2015 at 8:14 pm
Patrice
Wow That is a tough one. I would think that this fact reflects on him, not you. I am sorry for your loss. I think if any guy wants to run after hearing that, he is just not for you. Case closed. You still have 50% who don’t run. Focus on that.
February 23, 2015 at 5:40 pm
Bloomingdale 316
I have an interesting piece of baggage and I’d like some suggestions. I’m a widow and eventually the topic of my husbands death comes up. I’m not the one who brings it up. I do my best to avoid the topic. Here is the problem. My husband chose to end his own life. I do my best to minimize the conversation, say he was a great guy, say it was difficult when it happened, but I’ve done the work and moved on with my life…. It has been five years… But it does have a tendency to end more than 50% of my ‘dates’….Suggestions? Opinions?