How Baggage Can Ruin A Great Date After 50
Everyone comes with baggage when they enter a relationship.
Yet heading onto the dating scene for the first time in a very long time…
You probably haven’t given much thought to how this baggage from your past can affect your present and future relationships with men you’re dating.
Let’s face it, we all carry baggage.
Even when we married the first time around back in our 20’s and 30’s we were carrying some of it.
Maybe a couple of high school and college sweethearts along with some “growing pains” type issues you might have had with your parents.
The thing is…what we had back then would have fit in a carry on suitcase.
Now fast forward 20 or 30 years to where you are today.
You may have experienced a marriage or two.
There’s children and grandchildren.
Aging parents.
In laws you’re still close to.
Shared friends you socialized with.
Houses.
Health Issues.
Debt… and that’s just to name a few of the pieces you’re carrying around with you.
What this means is your baggage has now grown from that small suitcase into a steamer trunk filled with baggage.
Most of us totally underestimate how baggage can affect a date and a future relationship.
One of the biggest mistakes women make is revealing too much of their baggage on a first date.
It’s like you’re testing the guy to see if he’ll like you…issues and all.
Men are happy to help you with your issues over time.
But…what a man can tolerate once he’s in a relationship with you will more than likely scare him off if its revealed on a first date.
So what topics should be left off the table on a first date?
Trashing Your Ex
Sharing your anger about an ex on a first date is a huge no-no!
He thinks if you’re talking this way about the last guy you were with… then what will you say about him should the two of you get involved then break up?
This feels pretty scary to a man!
If he asks about your ex, you can uses phrases like these…
“Yes, I have one but he lives out of state.”
Or…”Yes I have one, and he was a good father to my children.”
Or “Yes, I have one and he remarried.”
Or even “Yes, I have one and he works in a specific industry.”
Your goal is to say something positive about your ex no matter how small it is so you do not appear as negative or vindictive on a first date.
Health Issues in Detail
I remember one particular first date where a guy started telling me about his health issues within the first 10 minutes.
I heard about his breathing machine.
And his prescription drugs for his heart and blood sugar issues.
This was way too much information for a first date.
I used an exit strategy and was out of there within 10 minutes of hearing that.
And men will run too!
Why? Without an emotional attachment to you, you’ll feel like a project to him.
If a man asks you about your health (which he shouldn’t unless he’s doing the first date checklist)…you can turn it around and say in a flirting voice something like this…”Why, do I look sick?”
Remember, first dates are for meeting someone new and interesting.
They are not for grilling someone.
I promise if you stop Dating to Mate and start Dating to Date, you can have far more fun with dating.
And when you’re having fun…you appear a lot more interesting to a man than the woman who uses a checklist and spills her baggage on a first date.
Your Finances
Money is a taboo subject for a first date.
If you are in debt…and if you share this on a first date, a man thinks you’re just looking for a sugar daddy.
This will send him running.
The same thing goes for if you have a lot of money.
He may be looking for someone to take care of him.
Until you know someone better, you want to keep this information to yourself.
And remember…when you’re on a first date, the guy you’re sharing private information with is still a stranger.
Don’t share a lot of personal information with him.
What You Can Talk About On A First Date
Keep your dates light and fun.
Share interesting things about your life that you love.
Ask him about his life and come away from each date having learned one new and interesting thing about this new man.
I’d love to hear what you think about your baggage, his baggage and how its affected dates you’ve been on in the past.
Until next time~
Believing in You!
P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50
#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon
Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here
#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group
It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here
#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program
I would love to learn more about your dating journey, understand where you might be stuck, and give you a personalized step-by-step blueprint to attract the right man. And maybe even talk about how we can work together.
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I have an interesting piece of baggage and I’d like some suggestions. I’m a widow and eventually the topic of my husbands death comes up. I’m not the one who brings it up. I do my best to avoid the topic. Here is the problem. My husband chose to end his own life. I do my best to minimize the conversation, say he was a great guy, say it was difficult when it happened, but I’ve done the work and moved on with my life…. It has been five years… But it does have a tendency to end more than 50% of my ‘dates’….Suggestions? Opinions?
Wow That is a tough one. I would think that this fact reflects on him, not you. I am sorry for your loss. I think if any guy wants to run after hearing that, he is just not for you. Case closed. You still have 50% who don’t run. Focus on that.
Thanks for the support. I guess I’m looking for suggestions on better or other ways to deliver the message that might not be so shocking. I usually first day something like it was very sudden or unexpected. But they always ask for more details. I won’t lie about it and make it be something it wasn’t. After people (not just dates) get to know me, they learn I’m very open to talking about the effects of suicide an those left behind and partipate annually in a 5k walk for life. But is there a better way to deliver the message?
@ Bloomingdale
I don’t think you need a specific wording. Lisa’s main point was correct: we all have baggage. Ideally, it is unpacked slowly, discretely, over time.
That being the case, any adult man knows not to pry too directly into a woman’s past, or at least a woman that he doesn’t know well. At this age, we’re all supposed to know the social graces. Guys who ask a lot of blunt questions on the first few dates have not really grown up.
Your husband’s passing was a tragedy. When a man hears that a woman has gone through a tragedy, his first instinct is protectiveness and empathy. We don’t emote like women, but we can offer the strong shoulder, so to speak.
If a man bails when he hears a woman has experienced a tragedy, he’s not really a man—at least in the traditional sense. So these non-men are doing you a favor by bailing when they come to understand their date is not a shiny new penny.
Let those men continue chasing unicorns. There are plenty of other good ones out there.
Thanks Speed. I was actually hoping you would reply. I’ve grown to look forward to your insight. I believe the majority of ones baggage can be z’processed’ ond overcome with a bit of self reflection… And on occasion even a bit of therapy. There is no reason to expect ones future date to behave as a past date did, and if you carry that into the next relationship, it’s just asking for problems. But there are those life changing events that become part of who you are. They can be great wonderful things or major tragedies. Eventually it all comes out and how the person reacts does say a lot about the future of the relationship. The second part is how do you carry you baggage… Like a lead weight around your neck? A travelling suitcase that’s always with you? Or a storybook that’s is just a part of the history of your life?
Thanks again for your replies Patrice and Speed.