Yep, I had three first dates much like what Lisa describes and one where the didn’t lie about appearance/health but what came outta his mouth raised no end of red flags. They knew they’d screwed up. Health/weight liars are easy to discourage if you tell them you are highly active, provided you are and look the part. Frankly, youre doing them a kindness with your honesty as you cannot have been their first rejection. The first three I was honest with and then cut contact completely, never had to deal with them again as they lived far away. The last I did the same, and, unfortunately he was at the same large institution but a different building/department and stalked me. I had never told him exactly where I lived, took note of the truck he drove so as to avoid it, his my own vehicle in a neighbors yard, eventually he moved on to another victim and his contract wasn’t renewed the next year. So you pay attention, yes spot these red flags, some of which aren’t as obvious, and for the first few dates, protect your safety by not divulging too much too soon.
January 13, 2015 at 8:49 am
Lisa
Debbie and Karen…Thank you for writing and for expressing your concerns when it comes to be honest about exiting a date. If you look again at the blog, #1 is Be Honest. Most women are afraid of hurting a man’s feelings. It’s the culture women have grown up with having to please everyone.
I am a proponent of giving men a chance but once in a while, someone comes along like the date I described where the guy is over the top in weirdness or just isn’t all there and you want out. You shouldn’t have to stay to please him. This is the time to take care of yourself and get out. It’s great that both of you can say this isn’t working out to a man’s face. Just be sure to do it in a kind way because men pay forward nastiness to other women when they’ve been hurt. And men perceive a lot of what women say as mean and hurtful.
January 13, 2015 at 8:41 am
Karen
How about some honest ways to exit a date instead of the lies?
January 12, 2015 at 6:01 pm
Bloomingdale 316
Dear Lisa
Remember those times when a man fed you a line that you knew was a lie.? I don’t know about you, but it leaves me feeling angry or used…. Why couldn’t he just be honest with me.
I feel most men would know when they were being fed a line.
Lisa, you are always telling us to take the time to just get to know a man as a person.
I work at making my first blind meetings to be at a casual quick place.
I don’t need an exit strategy, per say, because the initial meeting is planned to be only a limited period of time.
I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not, as in drama queen, ex basher, desperate to marry or astrologer.
If you really want to make sure he doesn’t want a second date, just be opposite of him.. if he says he’s a conservative republican, say you are a liberal democrat or hate politics. If he gets a new expensive car, talk about the cheap old car you love. If he likes a homebody, talk about travel.
You can do this for an hour.
At the end of the 45 min or so, you can now say thanks for meeting me, but I don’t think we have much in common. He’ll probably agree.
Now you can easily and safely leave.
Or you can use the line that was just used on me….my mom just showed up in my driveway. I feel bad telling her I have a date… Rain check?
Don’t you just hate being fed a line…..I know I do.
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January 13, 2015 at 9:01 am
Noquay
Yep, I had three first dates much like what Lisa describes and one where the didn’t lie about appearance/health but what came outta his mouth raised no end of red flags. They knew they’d screwed up. Health/weight liars are easy to discourage if you tell them you are highly active, provided you are and look the part. Frankly, youre doing them a kindness with your honesty as you cannot have been their first rejection. The first three I was honest with and then cut contact completely, never had to deal with them again as they lived far away. The last I did the same, and, unfortunately he was at the same large institution but a different building/department and stalked me. I had never told him exactly where I lived, took note of the truck he drove so as to avoid it, his my own vehicle in a neighbors yard, eventually he moved on to another victim and his contract wasn’t renewed the next year. So you pay attention, yes spot these red flags, some of which aren’t as obvious, and for the first few dates, protect your safety by not divulging too much too soon.
January 13, 2015 at 8:49 am
Lisa
Debbie and Karen…Thank you for writing and for expressing your concerns when it comes to be honest about exiting a date. If you look again at the blog, #1 is Be Honest. Most women are afraid of hurting a man’s feelings. It’s the culture women have grown up with having to please everyone.
I am a proponent of giving men a chance but once in a while, someone comes along like the date I described where the guy is over the top in weirdness or just isn’t all there and you want out. You shouldn’t have to stay to please him. This is the time to take care of yourself and get out. It’s great that both of you can say this isn’t working out to a man’s face. Just be sure to do it in a kind way because men pay forward nastiness to other women when they’ve been hurt. And men perceive a lot of what women say as mean and hurtful.
January 13, 2015 at 8:41 am
Karen
How about some honest ways to exit a date instead of the lies?
January 12, 2015 at 6:01 pm
Bloomingdale 316
Dear Lisa
Remember those times when a man fed you a line that you knew was a lie.? I don’t know about you, but it leaves me feeling angry or used…. Why couldn’t he just be honest with me.
I feel most men would know when they were being fed a line.
Lisa, you are always telling us to take the time to just get to know a man as a person.
I work at making my first blind meetings to be at a casual quick place.
I don’t need an exit strategy, per say, because the initial meeting is planned to be only a limited period of time.
I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not, as in drama queen, ex basher, desperate to marry or astrologer.
If you really want to make sure he doesn’t want a second date, just be opposite of him.. if he says he’s a conservative republican, say you are a liberal democrat or hate politics. If he gets a new expensive car, talk about the cheap old car you love. If he likes a homebody, talk about travel.
You can do this for an hour.
At the end of the 45 min or so, you can now say thanks for meeting me, but I don’t think we have much in common. He’ll probably agree.
Now you can easily and safely leave.
Or you can use the line that was just used on me….my mom just showed up in my driveway. I feel bad telling her I have a date… Rain check?
Don’t you just hate being fed a line…..I know I do.