Just wondering
A gentleman gives a lady a gift of clothing. The clothing does not fit or looks truly horrible on ( yes I know that strapless top looked great in the store but I’ve never worn anything straplesz because I’m afraid it will fall down).
What is the lady to do in this case. She truly appreciate s the gift and the thought, and is not wanting to hurt them in any way.
Please advise.
I’ve had gentlemen give me gifts of moderately priced jewelry… Under 200.
While I have gracefully accepted them and worn it, much to their delight, I personally do not like the pieces. How do I appear grateful, which I am, yet somehow direct them to things more to my taste.
( in one case it was a very pretty little cat pin, suited much more to a preteen age )
He always comments how happy he is when I wear it.
I hope this makes sense.
It would be like a lady buying you a lavender and pink patterned shirt with matching tie and then asking why you don’t wear it to work…….
Thanks Speed
October 9, 2014 at 10:09 am
Speed
I think the key point Lisa is making—and that I agree with—is that if a man likes you, he will do for you. For some men, especially those with decent money, it might be treating you to nice outing at a fancy restaurant or opera. Other men might try to help you out around the home or take pick you up from the airport or something.
In every case, a man’s gift will probably be imperfect in some way. He might buy two tickets to an expensive new art exhibition, not knowing that you don’t really like galas at all. He might try to rely on a “trusted old route” to the airport, instead of following the GPS. Whatever it is, it’ll probably be imperfect in some minor or major way.
If a woman declines a man gift—because it’s not really something she needs, because it’s done wrong, because she needs to prove her independence, because the stone you bought her might be a “blood diamond” or for whatever reason—it’s a relationship-killer. Even something small, like “I can get the door myself” is bad.
If a woman declines or criticizes a gift from me, however small, I take it a sign of disinterest and move on. This is a secret to “why men disappear” that is rarely discussed. I imagine many or most men, especially those over 45, are pretty similar.
Some women say–and I’ve heard this– “Well, I’m just being honest” or “I’m just being true to myself/honoring myself and values” when they decline a man’s gift. Fair enough. But maintaining a relationship isn’t about exchanging brutal honesty around the clock. No human relationship can survive that. It’s about tact, diplomacy, social skills. I’ve dated many women who were terrible cooks, but I always said, “This tastes wonderful!” not “Can’t you do any better than this?”
Since the earliest human civilizations, our relationships have involved these sorts of exchanges, however imperfect and symbolic. If a person defies this, or claims they are “above” this—and I read these fierce claims of independence a lot on Match–essentially they cannot have a partner.
October 13, 2014 at 8:24 am
Noquay
Speed
I never criticised his “gifts”, generally his attempts to help out, I just re-did the stuff quietly when he wasn’t around. The few times he cooked, it was awful but like you, I complemented him anyway.If he went to the store for me, I complemented him. However, there was a definite possibility of his getting injured, especially when he was trying to use power tools he really had no ability use. I tried to get him to do only fun stuff such as hike, walk my dogs but often he insisted on trying to do other stuff, often when I wasn’t home. This relationship had numerous issues as this guy wound up to have some serious physical and emotional trauma that he’s never really dealt with which was the real reason for the breakup. In future, I want to avoid a scenario where a guy’s attempts to give are really beyond his own skill set. I understand a lot of city guys never learned many hands on skills, I’m fine with that plus I’d much rather we had a good, in depth conversation anyway. I can do the heavy lifting on my own time. . I’d rather be taken to the opera, a dance, just go for a walk than be in that kind of situation again.
October 7, 2014 at 10:39 am
bloomindale 161
Noquay
I guess there are a number of different ways you can look at this.
The first sounds quite harsh… It must really be a hard way to live knowing that you are better than everyone at everything.
The second is a very different approach. Everyone you meet is good at something. Most people you meet are interested in learning something.
The question becomes: Where can you let go? What can you let go of the control of and let someone else be in charge of and you let them do it their way? What can you let go of and let it be okay if it is not done to your standard of perfection? What of your knowledge are you willing to share and take the time to teach?
There are very few people in the world who could long bear being with someone who is constantly pointing out ones superiorities and the others inferiorities. Ask yourself… Is this how I would like to be treated. Are you in touch with your Feeling side, not just your logical intellectual side?
Lastly, what are you looking for in a relationship? Are you looking for someone to outdo you in power tool usage? Are you looking for a live in butler and cook? Are you looking for someone to put their arms around you and open their heart?
Traditionally, the man would be the strong dominant one in the relationship and the female would be the support person. Is this what you are looking for, but in reverse?
I was given this advice once. When you go out shopping for a car and you want and need an suv, you don’t come home with a sportscar. You made of list of what you were looking for. Take out a sheet of paper. Write down all the attributes you are looking for in your perfect guy. keep writing till he’s defined. Reread it. Then put it in an envelope and tuck it away in a drawer. now go live your life. You’ve just set your intention of what/who you are looking for.
Before you say oh, that’s a corny idea. I personally know of 4 people, myself included who did just that.
I’m sorry to sound so harsh. I’ve read many of your posts and many seem to have the same theme… I’m better than everyone I meet.
Everyone is good at something. Why not try looking at what they do well, instead of what they don’t do as well as you.
Best of luck to you.
October 6, 2014 at 5:48 pm
Noquay
A question out there for all of you in electron-land: What does one do if she is far more skilled at stuff like home repair, gardening, power tool usage, AND the all womanly stuff like cooking, cleaning? Kinda was playing the alpha and the beta role at the same time and pulling the weight financially as well. Just mutually agreed to break it off after a one year non-relationship with a guy who’d come from privilege who’d never learned any “manly” skills such as home fixit, nor did he learn how to cook or clean. I am considerably shorter than he, yet I was the one, quite literally, who did the heavy lifting in all ways. Don’t wanna make a man feel un-needed yet I do not want to be in such a situation ever again where I must do everything. Hiring help in this area is not an option. Exhausting. My power tools and wallet are breathing a collective sigh of relief at this dudes absence. He was going to hurt himself trying to help out. I am also a serious intellectual sort so I do really need someone intellectual too; my attempts at dating working class guys have always ended in disaster due to serious incompatibility.
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October 13, 2014 at 6:01 pm
Bloomingdale 316
Speed
Just wondering
A gentleman gives a lady a gift of clothing. The clothing does not fit or looks truly horrible on ( yes I know that strapless top looked great in the store but I’ve never worn anything straplesz because I’m afraid it will fall down).
What is the lady to do in this case. She truly appreciate s the gift and the thought, and is not wanting to hurt them in any way.
Please advise.
I’ve had gentlemen give me gifts of moderately priced jewelry… Under 200.
While I have gracefully accepted them and worn it, much to their delight, I personally do not like the pieces. How do I appear grateful, which I am, yet somehow direct them to things more to my taste.
( in one case it was a very pretty little cat pin, suited much more to a preteen age )
He always comments how happy he is when I wear it.
I hope this makes sense.
It would be like a lady buying you a lavender and pink patterned shirt with matching tie and then asking why you don’t wear it to work…….
Thanks Speed
October 9, 2014 at 10:09 am
Speed
I think the key point Lisa is making—and that I agree with—is that if a man likes you, he will do for you. For some men, especially those with decent money, it might be treating you to nice outing at a fancy restaurant or opera. Other men might try to help you out around the home or take pick you up from the airport or something.
In every case, a man’s gift will probably be imperfect in some way. He might buy two tickets to an expensive new art exhibition, not knowing that you don’t really like galas at all. He might try to rely on a “trusted old route” to the airport, instead of following the GPS. Whatever it is, it’ll probably be imperfect in some minor or major way.
If a woman declines a man gift—because it’s not really something she needs, because it’s done wrong, because she needs to prove her independence, because the stone you bought her might be a “blood diamond” or for whatever reason—it’s a relationship-killer. Even something small, like “I can get the door myself” is bad.
If a woman declines or criticizes a gift from me, however small, I take it a sign of disinterest and move on. This is a secret to “why men disappear” that is rarely discussed. I imagine many or most men, especially those over 45, are pretty similar.
Some women say–and I’ve heard this– “Well, I’m just being honest” or “I’m just being true to myself/honoring myself and values” when they decline a man’s gift. Fair enough. But maintaining a relationship isn’t about exchanging brutal honesty around the clock. No human relationship can survive that. It’s about tact, diplomacy, social skills. I’ve dated many women who were terrible cooks, but I always said, “This tastes wonderful!” not “Can’t you do any better than this?”
Since the earliest human civilizations, our relationships have involved these sorts of exchanges, however imperfect and symbolic. If a person defies this, or claims they are “above” this—and I read these fierce claims of independence a lot on Match–essentially they cannot have a partner.
October 13, 2014 at 8:24 am
Noquay
Speed
I never criticised his “gifts”, generally his attempts to help out, I just re-did the stuff quietly when he wasn’t around. The few times he cooked, it was awful but like you, I complemented him anyway.If he went to the store for me, I complemented him. However, there was a definite possibility of his getting injured, especially when he was trying to use power tools he really had no ability use. I tried to get him to do only fun stuff such as hike, walk my dogs but often he insisted on trying to do other stuff, often when I wasn’t home. This relationship had numerous issues as this guy wound up to have some serious physical and emotional trauma that he’s never really dealt with which was the real reason for the breakup. In future, I want to avoid a scenario where a guy’s attempts to give are really beyond his own skill set. I understand a lot of city guys never learned many hands on skills, I’m fine with that plus I’d much rather we had a good, in depth conversation anyway. I can do the heavy lifting on my own time. . I’d rather be taken to the opera, a dance, just go for a walk than be in that kind of situation again.
October 7, 2014 at 10:39 am
bloomindale 161
Noquay
I guess there are a number of different ways you can look at this.
The first sounds quite harsh… It must really be a hard way to live knowing that you are better than everyone at everything.
The second is a very different approach. Everyone you meet is good at something. Most people you meet are interested in learning something.
The question becomes: Where can you let go? What can you let go of the control of and let someone else be in charge of and you let them do it their way? What can you let go of and let it be okay if it is not done to your standard of perfection? What of your knowledge are you willing to share and take the time to teach?
There are very few people in the world who could long bear being with someone who is constantly pointing out ones superiorities and the others inferiorities. Ask yourself… Is this how I would like to be treated. Are you in touch with your Feeling side, not just your logical intellectual side?
Lastly, what are you looking for in a relationship? Are you looking for someone to outdo you in power tool usage? Are you looking for a live in butler and cook? Are you looking for someone to put their arms around you and open their heart?
Traditionally, the man would be the strong dominant one in the relationship and the female would be the support person. Is this what you are looking for, but in reverse?
I was given this advice once. When you go out shopping for a car and you want and need an suv, you don’t come home with a sportscar. You made of list of what you were looking for. Take out a sheet of paper. Write down all the attributes you are looking for in your perfect guy. keep writing till he’s defined. Reread it. Then put it in an envelope and tuck it away in a drawer. now go live your life. You’ve just set your intention of what/who you are looking for.
Before you say oh, that’s a corny idea. I personally know of 4 people, myself included who did just that.
I’m sorry to sound so harsh. I’ve read many of your posts and many seem to have the same theme… I’m better than everyone I meet.
Everyone is good at something. Why not try looking at what they do well, instead of what they don’t do as well as you.
Best of luck to you.
October 6, 2014 at 5:48 pm
Noquay
A question out there for all of you in electron-land: What does one do if she is far more skilled at stuff like home repair, gardening, power tool usage, AND the all womanly stuff like cooking, cleaning? Kinda was playing the alpha and the beta role at the same time and pulling the weight financially as well. Just mutually agreed to break it off after a one year non-relationship with a guy who’d come from privilege who’d never learned any “manly” skills such as home fixit, nor did he learn how to cook or clean. I am considerably shorter than he, yet I was the one, quite literally, who did the heavy lifting in all ways. Don’t wanna make a man feel un-needed yet I do not want to be in such a situation ever again where I must do everything. Hiring help in this area is not an option. Exhausting. My power tools and wallet are breathing a collective sigh of relief at this dudes absence. He was going to hurt himself trying to help out. I am also a serious intellectual sort so I do really need someone intellectual too; my attempts at dating working class guys have always ended in disaster due to serious incompatibility.