5 Reasons Being An Alpha Female Doesn’t Work In Over 50’s Dating
It wasn’t long ago that I was a major Alpha Female. Not only did I know how to do it all, I held the belief I could do it even better and faster than most men. I felt powerful and I loved that power.
The problem was what I was feeling was Masculine Power, not Feminine Power, and I ended up being told by different men that I was controlling, emasculating and one man told me I didn’t "know how to let a man be a man."
And truthfully, I DIDN’T.
I wasn’t taught the power of my feminine nature or how to get my needs met in a relationship with a man or even how to be a partner. I just wanted to be in control.
Growing up as a product of women’s lib, which by the way did awesome things when it came to opening doors to previously unattainable careers for women, I learned to follow a philosophy of never needing a man except to make a baby. So like many women of our generation, I became a powerhouse who stepped on men regardless of their feelings or how my behavior made them feel. And this brought out the WORST in the men in my life.
The men who accused me of not letting them be men couldn’t tell me in words what made them feel emasculated or less than as a man. They just felt it. And that’s why I began doing a ton of research on men and what makes them tick. I’ll tell you that being an Alpha Female definitely doesn’t and here are 5 reasons why.
#1. Men want women who are intelligent and can think for themselves. They aren’t looking for needy, clingy women. They want to find someone they can be proud of at their sides.
#2. Men don’t want to be controlled or told what to do. When you tell a guy how to do his job at home or at work — especially when he hasn’t asked for your opinion — he feels less than. He wants to be your hero, trying his best to be that for you.
#3. Men want a relationship, not a competition. When you are an Alpha and he’s an Alpha, you have 2 leaders and a lot of competition. Ever see a man when he’s competing? He wants to win and he will do what it takes to make that happen. By coming from your feminine side, which is your heart versus your mind, it takes the power struggle out of it, which will bring out the best in him.
#4. Over-giving is a masculine, Alpha quality. Our DNA comes from the caveman days where we as women needed protection and we needed a man to provide for us to survive. These roles are still in your DNA coding. When you over-give to a man, you are saying, I’m the Alpha in the relationship. It doesn’t mean you can’t give, of course you can. But when you over-give, you become a man’s mother, not his partner.
#5. Men need to be needed. Yes…you are strong and we as women emotionally need to be strong for the family and the relationship. But when you do all the physical work and all the emotional work in the relationship, you don’t leave room for a man to honor his DNA coding of doing for you.
Coming into your feminine power doesn’t mean lying down like a doormat and just allowing a man to walk on you. Far from it. It means learning how to bring out the best in a man and in turn, he will bring out the best in you.
When I was finally able to let go of rubbing my strength and power in a man’s face, I found men were stepping over themselves to help me. It didn’t take anything away from me. It actually helped me get over the idea of “I have to do it all” and it brought me into true partnership with men.
And you know what? That felt good. I felt cherished, adored and respected for being myself.
If you’re ready to learn the secrets for bringing out the best in men that has them literally stepping over themselves to make sure your needs are met click right here to find out more. I want to let you in on a sale on Understanding Men 101. It's 40% off the regular price for a limited time.
Until next time~
Believing in You!
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Does this work with all men? Even the womanizers? It seems we get accused of either being too needy/ clingy, or not needing them at all.
How do you find that middle ground?
This works with all emotionally healthy Alpha Males. You find the middle ground by understanding who men are and how they tick. Men want to feel needed but they don't want a clingy woman. They like a woman who has a life of her own. They just want a woman to make time for the man and relationship in their life.
I find this a very stereotypical way of looking at women-men relationships which stands very far from the reality of the life of women of 40+/50+ of these days. People are not either Alpha or Beta. If you are single, you have no choice: you have to do it all by yourself: earn the money, pay the bills, do some plumbing in your house, call the electrician, etc… If I all of a sudden stop doing these things (and god knows I sometimes feel like that), no man is miraculously going to show up to help me. I am in any case not taking the risk.
But does being in charge make me an Alpha woman who pretends she knows it all and does it all? Does it make me tough as nails and unfeminine? No. Of course some men see all that I do and might feel emasculated but how would that be my responsibility? Turn things around. Imagine that as a woman you meet a man with a good professional career but who also manages to run his household in a decent way in that he can cook a bit, keep his house clean and is even a handy man. What would happen? All women would fight over him because he would be considered a good catch. So when a woman can do all these things, she is all of a sudden unfeminine and she brings out the worst in men? When men are showing their worst to women, it is because they make a choice to do that. They are responsible for their behaviour, just like we are for ours.
This is 2014. Women who are approaching 50 have been born in the 60ies. They've seen how their mothers entered the work force. They've seen how their fathers started helping in the household. They have studied and they have jobs. They want a modern relationship where there is a true partnership without one being in the lead and the other one following. I am one of these women and your message falls in deaf ears with me, Lisa. I am a complete person, not an Alpha or a Beta. I hope to find love but I am not going to squeeze myself into a role that I don't want to play in order to find it. It would not work anyway. Love is about accepting each other the way you are. I cannot accept a man who is stuck in the old stereotypical male behaviours nor one who wants to confine me within them. I am not going to be less than I am in a relationship. If the men of today have not evolved enough to deal with that, then I will remain single. Not my first choice but my life will still be good.
Too Smart….Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate hearing your insights. A couple of things…as a single woman, yes you are doing everything. You have to or you won't survive. But when you come into partnership with a man, do you still want to do it all? Or do you want things shared with each of you doing what you're really good at?
As for the man who would be considered a good catch…the reason is because women still have an instinct even when they've been alone for a long time and doing it all to want a man to come in and rescue her. The type of guy you described would do what's natural to his DNA which is to protect, provide and keep a woman safe. And that's why he's so appealing.
If a woman over gives and over does in a relationship, she will teach a man to do less for her. And as good as it feels to him in the beginning to have someone take care of him, he will come to resent her because it's likely she'll have lost respect for him and respect is something an Alpha Male must have from the woman in his life. This is a DNA code.
If you want to continue to do it all, a Beta Male is a better choice. You'll be put in the role of being in charge of providing, protecting and safety. He'll respect you and in turn you'll cherish him but you'll be in charge.
As a relationship evolves, a balance can happen where Alpha and Beta roles get passed back and forth based on who is good at what.
There is nothing wrong with being smart, successful and good at things. You'll just want to make space for a man to be too.
Hi Lisa
I, too, feel uncomfortable beling labled as an "apha".
I am a strong willed, well educated woman who had a very successful career. I value the fact that I can hold my own in a conversation or negotation. I don't order men about, and I don't want to be ordered around in return. I don't want to be in charge, but i don't want to be left out of the decision making process.
Why do I do work around my home? Because I ENJOY it. I don't enjoy knitting and arts and crafts. I'm perfactly happy have the man use the pitchfork in the garden and I'll plant the plants. But I'm not willing to let him lay out 50 bags of mulch while i do my nails. I'm happy to let him take care of the cars or cook if he likes. And I'm happy when he does.
I don't overgive, I don't need to do it all, and I don't have an" I don't need you mentality". I do have an "I know I can make it on my own but I'm HAPPIER to have a life with you in it". And if you take me out on the golf course or bowling or out to play trivia, well, Yes, I am going to compete and I am going to work to win. Because I'm NOT going to throw a game just to stroke his ego.
So, Mr. Man, if your ego is so fragile and you are so insecure that having a capable, competent, successful, intelligent, woman who can have an knowledgeable conversation and know who she is, is too intimidating for you, then you are NOT the right guy for me.
I don't emasculate a man, and I've never been told I'm too controlling or won't let a man be a man… okay once, when i opened my own car door…. from INSIDE the car…..
and I agree with everything TOOSMART is saying.
I LIKE who I am, and I like having a man in my life. And I had a wonderful marriage. So I know I'm okay. He's out there somewhere. It's just that he's just as unordinary or extrodiniary as I am.
and yes. I know, spelling is my weakness.
Hi Bloomingdale 316…
There is nothing wrong with being intelligent or successful. In fact, most men will not only love that about you but will be proud of what you can do. What makes a woman an Alpha is when she tells a man how to do everything and when to do it. She wants total control. This is what drives men crazy. The key is knowing how to ask for what you want and it’s totally different than how you ask a woman to do something. Men don’t hear the same language we speak…LITERALLY! So the key for coming into your true power with men is not by doing everything as well or better then he can. It’s about learning how to speak a language they can hear so you can come together in partnership.
Hi Lisa
Well, then , I'm in a great spot. I truly believe that the 'better' way of handling things is to let someone else do things their way. There are a few exceptions, as everyone has their 'anal' moments. I'm only a "controller" when I'm put "In Charge" and even then i beleive in delegation and i've never been a micro manager.
I might do the laundry one way, but if you volunteer to do it, have at it… just as long as you don't wash my cashmere sweater in hot water…. I am very happy to not be in control and to let the guy make the decisions.
I really think that article needs to be rewritten because I don't think its delivering the message you want recevied.
Lisa, you wrote: "…as a single woman, yes you are doing everything. You have to or you won't survive. But when you come into partnership with a man, do you still want to do it all? Or do you want things shared with each of you doing what your really good at?
Well, as long as we are not living together I certainly will continue to do everything as far as my own house is concerned. I will not ask my man to do some plumbing in my house because I don't know if he is good at this or not so I trust my own plumber better. When we live together, I hope we would share the practical things based on who is good at things and likes to do them.
You also wrote: "As for the man who would be considered a good catch…the reason is women have an instinct even when they've been alone a long time and can do it all to want a man to come in and rescue here. The type of guy you described would do what's natural to his DNA which is to protect, provide and keep a woman safe."
Lisa, please… This is 2014, we are not neanderthalers. I don't need a man to protect me, provide for me and keep me safe. I want a man to share the good moments in life, to support me emotionally and care for me, and I want to offer him the same.
And to end, you wrote: "If you want to continue to do it all, a Beta Male is a better choice. You'll be put in the role of being in charge of providing, protecting and safety."
Well, I don't want to be in charge of providing, protecting and safety because I don't believe that in a relationship one partner has to be in charge of providing, protecting and safety. As I said, you apply a very stereotypical scheme to relationships with Alphas and Betas but that does not cover the real women in their forties and fifties who are looking for love. Maybe the men still think according to these stereotypes but if they do we cannot have a relationship with them because we have evolved as women. We are not the helpless creatures that need to be protected but we also don't want to be mothers to our partners who need to protect them. When you have reached midlife you normally have become an adult and you want a relationship that is a partnership.
It's too easy to say that it is in the DNA of the men. We are responsible for our relationship choices. I have had relationships with Alphas and Betas and none of them worked. The Alphas are too bossy and want to tell me how to lead my life. The Betas are weak and want me to tell them how to lead their life but I am not a bossy person at all. I don't feel good in the role of the follower and I don't feel good in the role of the leader. I am a free spirit who hopes to find a man who also wants a partnership in which we go through life hand in hand.
Well said Well said.
But there are stong competent males out there who will respect you and value you for who you are. Sounds to me like we are both Delta types…. we combine the very best of both altpha and beta characteristics
I have had successful relationships. including a 15 year marriage until his untimely death. The trick is to let them have thier own areas of expertise that you don't invade. Phrase suggestions as just that, not commands…and be supportive as you let them flounder and find thier way. Yes, I could cook in my sleep. but if i didn't get him to help and slowly build his confidence, I'd be the only one in the kitchen.
and I've also needed to tell men…. you have to be okay with the following. I may ask for your suggestion as how to solve a problem. but that does ot me i want you to solve it for me, and you have to be okay with the fact that i might not follow your suggestion.
And I do the same in return.
Ladies…I want to share with both of you notes I've gotten from men when I write about this subject including one that came within 10 minutes of this blog being posted…..
Lisa, thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this and letting women know how we feel.
Lisa, I so agree. Thank you.
Lisa, you deserve a Pulitzer Prize for this.
I understand how both of you feel about this subject. I'm only sharing what men have shared with me about where they are in their lives after 50. It's true, we aren't Neandrethal's but we do have inside of us DNA coding that can't be overlooked. Men want to be your hero and the way they do it is through action not words as in cutting your grass even if you don't live together or changing a light bulb that's burned out. They know you can do it but it makes them feel good to be able to fix things for you that will make your life a little easier. It's up to you whether or not you want to receive from men the way they like to give. And it's up to you whether or not you want a man to be your hero. If he is, know that it brings out the best in him…just watch a man's chest puff up when he fixes for you and watch him literally deflate when he's criticized by you. A man is like a puppy dog who is so happy to please and wants to be praised. Know that when he feels great cause he was able to do for you, he'll do everything in his power to bring out the best in you too. P.S. Can you help men. Yes…if they want your help.
Bloomingdale316, I refuse to use tricks or certain phrases in relationships. I am too old for all this manipulation. I don't want to manipulate (have never been good at it anyway) and I don't want to be manipulated. Building someone's confidence is also something I don't want to engage in. I want a partner not a kid. Being supportive no problem of course, pretty obvious that that is part of a relationship.
I have to say that I appreciate a man who has lived on his own for a while because it means in general that he has understood that certain things do not happen automatically. To my surprise there are still 50+ men on datingsites who are not capable to bake an egg because they completely relied on their wives to provide for food. I find this very weird. Even my 80 year old father was able to cook a simple meal for him and the kids when my mother had a meeting.
Lisa, if I want a puppy dog I will take a puppy dog in my house not a man. I don't want a hero, I just want a regular guy who enjoys my company, wants to share activities with me, who shows genuine interest in what I think and feel and likes to take my wishes into account. Especially in the beginning of a relationship I'd rather have a man go with me for a walk on the beach rather than change a lightbulb in my house…
Men have the right to want what they want but women also have the right to decide that they don't want to givergh
Oops, slip of the finger.
Men may want to show their love in a certain way but if what they do does not work for us they can either learn to do other things or look for other women. I know some of them go for foreign women from a poor country (amazing how it is never foreign women from a rich country). I know guys like that who like to "save" a woman. Sometimes it works but often not because the relationship is an economic transaction for the woman and the man realises after a while that he is not loved for who he is but for his money. So this is not always the solution which means that the solution is maybe that the man adapts his attitude, never mind his DNA. We women managed to change our DNA by being financially independent so if we can do it, surely men can do it as well.
In any case, was there ever a time when men were simply the providers for women who were sitting at home? In my family this never was the case. My ancestors were farmers so the women had to work very hard together with the men to make a living.
The thing is that especially in the beginning of a relationship I prefer a man take me for a walk on the beach or a concert rather than change a lightbulb in my house. Because let's be serious: what do I miss the most being single? A man who changes a lightbulb in my house or one who takes me for a walk on the beach :-). The latter of course…
Lisa, I think you should tell the men who spoke to you what we women are telling here. Some of us don't like guys with a hero complex so that act won't work with us. My message to guys is: just relax, just be friendly, genuinely interested company, accept and respect that fact that we take great pride in the fact that we are independent. Don't approach us as if you are on a mission and have to slay dragons. In any case: never be bossy. Oh and if you have feelings for us, it is always appreciated if you voice them. No need to be lovey dovey all the time but if you are unable to express your feelings verbally, we start to feel miserable.
The way I see it is that what men do for women won't work unless it something that really makes a difference in my life. One thing that I find very important as a woman with a career is to have a guy who is willing to make a contribution in the household. If a man mows the lawn but refuses to do some grocery shopping and start to cook potatoes when I call him to tell him that I'll be home from work late, I don't care about the lawn he mowed. Idem if he leaves his dirty underwear over the place. I'd rather have a messy lawn than a messy house.
I don't expect my man to be the perfect houseman and cook, especially because I am quite good at that and have my way of doing things. But it is very much appreciated if he at least does not sabotage me by dropping stuff everywhere and even better if he gives me a hand. I have read that many older women find it a relief to be on their own after a divorce and that makes me very sad because it shows that a relationship is often a burden for women. It should not be that way but when I see how some men are still using their wife as some kind of houseslave, even when she goes out working herself, it shows that the pleasure and the effort of relationships are still not evenly divided. And in my mind that's one of the biggest reasons for their failure.
Ultimately what matters in a relationship is that both parties have the feeling that their needs are met by the other to a sufficient. It depends from one person to another what these needs are. Maybe there are women who are happy to follow their man and nod in admiration for everything he does. Other women might find it more important to decide together with their man how they will live together. The important thing is to get to know each other and to hear what each partner wants.
Hi toosmart While I see your point of view in the first two paragraphs, it's time to disagree. However, I totally agree with your third paragraph, that each paired relationship is dictated and what works for one couple would never work for another. People are far too complicated to fit into a simple box, and that's my issue with this entire article And I think being labeled in an either/ or condition. Simply hit a hot button
This post, combined with one from another site pretty much telling us to not under represent ourselves has me confused. What do you do if, in your region, you are more educated, out earn, and generally more skilled at fix it stuff than the men in your life. Not telling a man how to do something has resulted in more than one broken power tool, broken parts of a woodstove, plus me having to re-do stuff myself in the long run. Yep, I run marathons, climb, build buildings, and also dress well and can put together a serious meal when necessary. I am pretty alpha because I have needed to be. Do you hide yourself?
Noquay, I hear you. I think that this is one of the general problems that women face these days. They are often better than men. Honestly sometimes I start to think that men as a whole are so irritated with the achievements of women that they underperform as a reaction. I really don't think we should let men ruin things just because they want to be a hero. Let them be good at something if they want to be at all costs the hero…
I also think that being a capable adult does not make you automatically an Alpha person. An Alpha person is for me someone who tries to dominate others.
Is there any possibility that you try to look for a partner in another area or move yourself to another area?
Apologies for not really having a solution. I don't think it is ever a good idea to hide yourself or to make yourself smaller than you are. Men can do 2 things: either they let themselves be inspired by your competence (I know that I am inspired when I am confronted with a competent person) or continue to refuse to learn and improve. In which case they still might find a woman but unless she is a loser herself she won't stay with him.
Men complain that they are rejected by us but refuse to do the work that will make them truly attractive in our eyes.
TooSmart
right now moving, quitting my job, is not feasible. It would force me to renege on my mortgage, take a job at a fraction of my current salary which would lower my own potential. I would agree that the real issue is one of responsibility and capability. I love the company of men but I want an adult, not a fixxit project. If a partner increases the strain on, rather than complement ones life, you have a problem. A lot of the issue here is the preponderance of drug/ski bum "culture" and unfortunately, the city folk from far away which is my only dating "market" selects for men with a lifestyle requiring few skills. As much as I "hide" many of my skills, it becomes pretty clear that I do and can do a lot more than many.
Too smart I find your generalizations to ring not true to my experiences. I hesitate to write this, but some of the tbings you write come across that you don't really like men. I have known and worked with many men who did not object to and even supported my accomplishments. I am friends with a number of power couples, all with dual successful careers and happy long term marriage s. I'm on this site because the last time I dated was 1995 and I know daring protocol has changed. Will I hide who I am? Nope. Do I like taking care of my man? Absolutely. That doesn't mean I offer to fix his car. But I'll support him emotionally, accept him for who he is, listen to him when he needs to vent and suggest ideas when there is a problem to be solved. I'll buy him unexpected gifts of his favorite things and happily go to that boring event on His arm. In short, I will treat him how I would like to be treated and loved. I know there's a great guy out there for me. Meanwhile, I'm going about building a rich full life.
Well Debbie I certainly agree with your last contribution so I don't think our opinion is so different. I just – as I wrote above – want a man who does a minimum of household chores apart from all the rest he offers me in a relationship. For me that is the sign of a truly emancipated man.
About me not liking men, I have high standards for both men and women and I don't see many people who meet them, I admit that. I like people who take responsibility for their life and I find that they are the exception rather than the rule.
Dear Noquay, I understand you. Sometimes one's chances on the dating market are very much influenced by demographics and geography. At the same time it is not obvious to change these things, especially as it is risky to change jobs in a crisis economy just for the sake of maybe meeting more suitable. I really hope for you that you somehow bump into a decent and competent guy one way or the other. It only takes one, I tell myself (also trying to remain hopeful).
As a +45 guy, I can say that Lisa is definitely right in everything she's written. I must also say that most of the women commenting here seem incredibly abrasive, confrontational and, essentially, man-haters. That's cool, because it's a free country. But don't wait around on calls from men if that's your take. As a rule, I can say that guys our age don't approach women wearing "fighting faces."
We get enough of that at the office. We men are the way we are, right or wrong. Lisa's providing solid advice here, but the response seems to be "men need to change the way they are, to fit my ideal of what they should be." That's not going to happen. Reality is not going to change because of your wishes. I don't even see how that's being debated here.
Excuse me, not trying to be combative here, but could you please read my replies and explain to me how I am being combative or being a man hater. Please explain. About my fighting face and how I've been abrasive. I'd really value your feedback and would appreciate your help in me seeing how I am perceived by a man. Thanks in advance for your support
I think your question is more snark than genuine curiosity, but on the off chance that it’s not, here’s a quote from you:
“So, Mr. Man, if your ego is so fragile and you are so insecure that having a capable, competent, successful, intelligent, woman who can have a knowledgeable conversation and know who she is, is too intimidating for you, then you are NOT the right guy for me.”
Is this really necessary to say? Does it sound welcoming and kind? Is it in your online dating profile? I hope not. To me, it sounds like an angry gauntlet thrown down, almost a war challenge. The capitalized “not” is the kicker. It’s something we hear at a client meeting when they say, “If you can’t handle these specs, we’d better find somebody else. Maybe you’re not good enough.” We hear that enough at work. We don’t want to read it in a dating profile or hear it on a first date.
A woman can never “intimidate” a man, unless maybe she has a gun or is a UFC fighter. “I intimidate men” is a comforting myth that angry or bitter or man-hating women (such as on this board) tell themselves. The hard truth is that men like “easy” at home. We don’t want women who throw down war challenges on the first date. We’re not “intimidated’ by it. It’s just unattractive to us, so we take a pass. It’s really that simple.
Lisa is brave enough to consistently write about the real nature of men (or of most men). Basically, it’s a “truth bomb” that she’s giving away for free on this post. But it seems most women on this thread appear to prefer their anger or their Jezebel.com-type “men must change!” ideology. Good luck with that. You’ve got human DNA and thousands of years of civilization to overcome.
Speed
In no way am I a man hater; however, I have no interest in raising an unemployed dude, drug addict/alcoholic, someone who chose not to live to his potential, from the ground up. Nor am I willing to hide my income and move into his trailer or rattletrap apartment. No one should. Yep, I am very self sufficient because it’s either that or have no life, nothing gets fixed, never live my values, sit around watching life on TV hoping some guy shows up. One commenter talked about helping two different womyn on a hike; I’d be the one thanking him, letting him take my hand though as a trail runner, I am probably the far steadier on my feet. My issue is that we chix are being told two totally opposing things; hide yourself,your competence AND also be totally independent so a man doesn’t have to support you, look your best at all times, be able to attain the stuff associated with high status or prepare to resign oneself to the garbage heap. Basically hide your light but have it or else. A catch 22 if ever there was one.
As a 54 year old “dude” I’ve found your blog to be such a huge help. Was dating two wonderful women I met on Match.com. Both were Alpha’s. I took them both on a hike (separate days of course). At one point the trail becomes steep and rocky. With the first woman I reached out my hand to help her. She responded by gently swatting it away and saying, “I’ve got it”. That sort of stung a little. The second woman held my hand and let me help her. Just a total difference in how I ended up feeling with each one. One guess which one I’m still seeing.
Lance
p.s. It’s important to stick to your guns when you’re right. You don’t help anybody by always being popular
Speed, since we are professionally active women we also get our share of abrasiveness in the office, not seldom from our male colleagues. So when we come home we also want peace and quiet and warmth and love from our partner. Again, this is 2014. Men may have needs and expectations but so have women. If partners don't mutually take each other's wishes into account, the relationship will not work. After having worked all day women don't want to come home and have to "serve" their man, as if he is a child and not a grown-up.
You say that we are confrontational but all we do is speak our mind.
It is indeed a free country so if you think women here are confrontational, nothing prevents you from going to Thailand or some other poorer country and find yourself a woman there. You will then become the sole breadwinner of the family and you will have to pay for the family of this woman. You will also discover at some point as most men who took a foreign bride that love was not her motivation but she sees the relationship as an economic transaction.
Many professionally active woman have lots of love to give but we refuse to be pushed in the stereotypical "feminine" roles that some men want to push us in.
"You say that we are confrontational but all we do is speak our mind. "
= I don't have any tact, combined with a hot temper. My goal in any disagreement is to "win," not find a solution or common ground. I'm quick to tell a guy off when he's "wrong." This is a man-repulser.
"nothing prevents you from going to Thailand or some other poorer country and find yourself a woman there"
= I overgeneralize all Western men as mass of cretins who only want to marry girls from Southeast Asia. A typical man-hater way of thinking.
" we refuse to be pushed in the stereotypical "feminine" roles that some men want to push us in. "
= I reject being a woman as most men (especially those over 40) understand that. I do what I want, when I want. Period. Don't like it? Tough. Get lost. Again, a man-repulser.
Once again, free country. Good luck with this strategy, though, if you truly are trying to find a man.
Speed, it's a free country so I will not do any effort to explain to you that your translations of what I write are totally wrong. This is not what I am saying but what you think I am saying so the sole product of your mind. It has nothing to do with me.
Since I am looking for a conversation and not for a competition, so also not looking to "win" I let you think whatever you want to think. I grant you the right to be delusional.
Toosmart,
(Even this username is a challenge, “toosmart” for men? If this is your online dating username, don’t expect many men to browse your profile.)
Essentially, you have hijacked this thread to go on a long Third Wave Feminism diatribe against men. In an extremely angry tone, you have implicitly accused men of being sexist, incompetent, uncaring, narrow-minded, lazy, and delusional and a host of other bad things. You also lay out a sort of strict code of conduct that men are supposedly supposed to follow prior to and after meeting you. You have “high standards” that men are supposed to meet.
You have every right to disparage men (love that free speech!) and hold these “high standards.” Go for it. What I’m saying is that disparaging men is not going to attract men. What you write here is likely showing up in your words, face and body language—and that will keep men away like radioactivity. Now if that is what you want, awesome. You have just the right plan.
As to high standards or a strict code of conduct (clean this, don’t clean that, say this, don’t say that, do this, don’t do that), I can say that you’d better be Kate Upton. We men don’t’ bend over backward like that unless the woman is super-hot. Even then, there’s a limit.
We men are the way we are. We’re not changing. Or if there will be any change, it will be glacial. Same with women. The behavior of men and women is ground in evolution and social mores. Expecting it to change overnight—if ever– is illogical. More importantly, expecting or angrily advocating such change will not attract a man. If anything, it will keep them away.
Looked at from the other perspective, a (straight) man who acts very feminine is not going to attract many women (at least outside artsy circles). Right or wrong, he’s just not. That’s evolution and socialization.
This is a man’s perspective, and I daresay this a common attitude among men—especially among men +40. Now, you can rally all the Internet stormtrooper sisters to your side that you want, but it won’t change social reality. At the end of the day, your approach is not useful to women. Lisa’s is.
Speed, you are entitled to your opinion.
Toosmart,
Your words:
“If the men of today have not evolved enough to deal with that, then I will remain single.”
“I want a partner, not a kid.”
I see how some men are still using their wife as some kind of house slave.”
“I start to think that men as a whole are so irritated with the achievements of women that they underperform as a reaction.”
“I have high standards for both men and women and I don't see many people who meet them, I admit that.”
Now, if these are your icebreakers at a singles party or a dating website, good luck.
Hi.
Please allow me to explain. When i wrote that, I beleived i was on a paid private site for women only. Had I known this blog was public, I would have never explained it that way. Now please allow me to apologize. I will attempt to expalin what I meant. Some men are looking for a piece of arm candy. They don't really seem to care what is inside of her head as long as the packaging looks perfect. Other men are looking for a woman who prefers to stay home and keep house, cook, clean and hand out with her girlfriends. Still yet other men are looking for that partner they can discuss the days events with, who has her own opinion and can support her point of view with facts, i.e. a discussion not a competition. They are quite proud of thier accomplished partner. A man who is looking for that arm candy type girl won't be looking for me. Neither will the man who wants the stay at home cook and clean homebody.
That doesn't mean i am unattractive, because I am not. I have my own sense of style. I just don't worry if my nailpolish, jewerly, lipstick, shoes and purse match my outfit.
Please understand that when I entered the workforce with a career in Information technology, i was breaking those glass ceilings. I had men tell me i was not good enough, I was not smart enough, I was taking jobs from men , that women didn't belong in an IT career. Yet I succeeded and excelled in my chosen profession. Please understand that when you hear that often enough, it begins to alter how you view the other gender. I learned that not all men want a girl who comes with my skill set.
I am fine with the fact that I am not every man's cup of tea. Every man is not my cup of tea in return, and that's okay with me. I am not looking for every man, I'm looking for just one who will accept me for who i am, with all my strengths and flaws. And I will accept him the same. I'm not looking to make someone over. And I'm not asking anyone to change. I'm asking to just be accepted for who I am.
The first point Lisa writes is that men want strong intelligent women. I want the same in a man. The second point Lisa writes is that a man does not want to be controlled or told what to do or how to be. What adult from either gender wants that? I don't want to be told what to do or be controlled any more than you do. Point three. Men want a relationship, not a competition. I, as a woman, want the same thing. I don't want to compete with you. I want us to be on the same team. Point four Overgiving. I beleive men and women give in different ways, and I'm fine with that. Point five. Men need to be needed. So do women.
I see a relationship and dating as a two way street. You have to want me, and I have to want you. It can't be one sided.
Again, I apologize for the way I phrased things.
Why did i use the term intimidate? I have been told by male friends of mine that some men don't approach me because they feel I might reject them. It is these men who have used the term intimidate. These same men do not understand why i am still solo and that some guy has not scooped me up. I went to a college that was 90% male. I worked in a career that was 80% male. i was often the only girl in the room. I have lots of male friends , the vast majority of which are married, or not looking for a girl. I, too, had a happy successful marriage until my spouse's passing.
I know i am not a man hater, or bitter. I took issue at being 'labeled', because i don't beleive one size fits all. And I do not agree with all of the comments posted by other writers. I stand by what I have said. I would love to have a guy some 'rescue' me and be my hero, just as long as he knew who he was rescuing. i can't be someone I'm not.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm sorry you thought I was being snarky. I truly was happy and wanted to hear your opinion. and I guess i did okay if you only took issue to one thing i said, and that was a point very poorly made. Again my apologies.
Bloomingdale, great post. I agree with everything you say.
Hey Too Smart
I don’t want to start a fight or be confrontational.
But I basically agree with Speed. Some, perhaps many, of the statement s you post come across as very mean and cold hearted.
I am sorry you have had the experiences you have had that leave you in such an rigid place. I am sorry that other readers of this blog are tossing me into your ‘boat’, because we really do seem to approach things from very different ways.
I don’t believe in the it’s my way or the highway approach to life and I strongly disagree with many of your statements , especially in your layer posts.
Picking up some dirty clothes is a all price to pay for the reward of the feeling of safety and security that comes from within the circle of a man’s arm.
I’m sorry I had to post this but I can no lo get allow other readers of this blog to believe we are all of the same mindset and I need to differentiate myself from you.
I’m not saying font be you. If that is what works for you, go for it.
But is hadn’t and won’t ever work for me.
I hope you go out and have some fun this weekend. Laugh, live, enjoy ice. It’s far too short.
Bloomingdale
Yep, well stated. As a mixed race, very Liberal, environmentally inclined, professional, I am not everyone’s cup of tea, nor should I expect to be and I do not. I take a good look at myself, see my perceived flaws, do what I can to fix them. I also have a good idea of who does and does not work for me and why. Problem is, many folks, men and women, do not do this. They blindly take whomever they can snag, without bothering to find out who this person actually IS, what they actually WANT, then blame that person when it goes south. No insight, self reflection, self assessment. Living life on autopilot. With all due respect to Lisa, if a chick is alpha, she should be herself. To me, alpha means being aware, taking a leadership role when needed, having one’s ducks in a row. It’s not about being authoritative, controlling, manipulative; those behaviors are serious flaws, committed equally by alpha and beta folk, or whatever Greek letter one chooses. I do really think the adage “be the person you want to date”, whether you’re male or female, really applies.
Thank you so much for this article it was an eye opener for me.
You are so welcome Christine